…How I wish thing would have
Happened so differently
I tried to say this many times
But still you couldn’t see

“I just don't want you to think that I can't handle this. This thing…this…us,” the statuesque beauty stated matter-of-factly. Looking into the eyes of her lover and seeing the passion that lay right behind the icy blue orbs, was not going to deter her from the discussion this time. She had no question in her mind that he wanted her. But anyone could want. It was a rudimentary skill acquired during infancy and honed during playtime. She needed to know more.

The Irishman looked at her; she was a mixture of curiosity, passion, and courage. Three things the detective always found intriguing in a woman. She was a mystery just as much as he was to her. He wanted to know everything he could about her yet, there was still a part of him that was holding back and he didn’t understand it. Why couldn’t he do or say the things that the woman before him seemed to need? It was so simple when it came down to it. And he was a simple guy-he craved and believed in simplicity.

In his heart, he knew what he felt for the beauty was so much more than anything he’d ever felt before-even with Caitlin. One would have to be dead not to see what made her special and practically perfect. Perfect for him. It seemed, however, every time the words wanted to tumble blindly out of his mouth and to her heart, a force deep within his soul snatched them from his throat. Or maybe it wasn’t really that deep. Maybe his mind was just ignoring what his soul already seemed to know. The point was that was whatever he could or couldn’t say, he had to know that she was always going to be there. Maybe it was selfish of him and maybe he was doing all the taking and none of the giving, but he didn’t care.

“Listen,” he started softly, “I’m not saying there isn’t a chance for more. Everyday spent with you is like a breath of fresh air. It’s just-”

There was a sharp slice of laughter that cut him off. He watched as she rolled her eyes and pushed a lock of glossy dark chocolate hair away from her flawless face to reveal a smooth and elegant neckline that begged to be devoured by a mouth. Not just any mouth. His mouth. He’d seen her do it hundreds of times since they became a couple; that little flicker of a hand spoke volumes about her confidence, experience, and intelligence. But the simple movement alone sent shivers down the detective’s spine.

“Boy, was my mother right,” she laughed again, this time a tinge of bitterness skimming the edges.

The detective looked at her impatiently. He tilted his head slightly to the side as if to get a better understanding. “Wait. What...what?“ He didn’t know what she was saying, but he was sure he didn’t like where it was headed.

“She said: ‘Keep yourself to yourself because the saying goes, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’”

At the last comment his eyebrows could have risen three feet so was the look of shock and annoyance on his face. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he asked, his voice rough with annoyance.

Maybe she had gone too far but she needed to see his response and so far, he did not disappoint. She had to know if all it was, was just this sexual force that kept them coming back to each other time and time again, or if it was more than that. “It…doesn’t mean anything,” she offered weakly.

She picked up her tailored gray Bill Blass jacket with the matching purse off the back of his desk chair and made a move towards the door. The detective, however, was not going to let it go that easily. His ivory lacquered hand reached for her slender honey dipped fingers. Every time he saw the contrast, it blew him away.

“No, you said it and I want to know exactly what you’re implying here.”

“Come on John. You’ve heard the expression before. It’s just that I’ve made it so easy for you. When we’re together, I just can’t seem to control myself and I practically forget anything I was raised to believe. That maybe there’s something more to just the physical aspect of a relationship and when you put that before the emotional connection, things don’t really go as smoothly.”

John McBain couldn’t believe what he was hearing and from someone as forward thinking as Evangeline. “Don’t tell me you’re ashamed. This is a new millennium for crying out loud. It’s not a crime for two consenting adults to be intimate with each other.”

“Hmmm…you ever notice how the more notches ‘consenting adults’ carve in their bed posts, the more they can’t commit to a serious relationship? All I’m saying is that new millennium doesn't equal no boundaries.”

“Don’t preach to me Evangeline,” he warned. “I don’t need to be saved.”

She let go of his hand. The lawyer in her was well aware of her senses when he touched her in any way and understood that it was a case she could never win. She was sprung, but she would only ever admit that to herself. The key was to not let him see just how much she was. “I’m not trying to pull some self-righteous crud on you. I’m no angel or evangelical for that matter, despite my name. But maybe there is some truth to what they say.”

“Evangeline,” he said her name again. Was he not making himself clear? “I’m not taking you for granted. Me not being able to handle more right now has nothing to do with the fact that you’re sleeping with me under these circumstances. We both agreed that for now that’s what we both wanted and that we would add strings along the way whenever we decided to.”

“Yes, detective, we did. But now I’m retracting my previous statement.”

“Do you ever give the legalese a rest?” he challenged.

“Do you ever get rid of you Bruce Wayne complex?” she fired back.

The spit fire answer made him smile for a brief moment. "Touché. So what are you saying? You know? What is this all about?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It was almost as if she were willing herself to say the words she had been practicing all day. Just get in there, say it, and then leave, she thought. She opened her eyes once more and met the pair of cerulean eyes that were so masked beyond repair, the strength to say it was suddenly there. She simply replied, “I want us to not be together anymore.”

“What?” For a split second, it felt as if the world around him had shattered into a million shards of glass. The blood through his veins turned to ice and his heart skipped a beat.

She saw the reaction and would have been satisfied with it if it didn’t hurt so much. She wasn’t the kind of person who capitalized on other people’s pain. And definitely not when she had to cause it. But the fact that he looked at least a little hurt did sooth her aching soul somewhat. As much as she knew John wouldn’t get it, she knew what she had to accomplish today. It was a matter of her well being, which for once, she was going to put first.

“It’s the best thing to do. We both want different things right now and I’m not the kind of girl who sits by the phone and waits for some guy to call or be in control of my emotions. I mean, that’s one thing I’m taking from the millennia past and present.”

“I’m not trying to hurt you Evangeline.”

“No, I know. Not intentionally, but that’s not what this is about. You say you need time but you don’t have a problem with sleeping with me while you figure it all out. And I’m just thinking that maybe my heart and body is worth a little more than this.”

“Hey, listen-”

“No,” she held a finger to his lips; lips that she had spent many hours secretly obsessing about and tending to. She would miss those lips, she thought. Instead of acting on her own mouth’s desire, she shook her head and smiled. She wasn’t going to cry. She’d rather die than cry in front of him over this. “I’m not blaming you. You didn’t take anything I wasn’t willing to give. It was a mistake to get involved. Well, at the least the way we did. Look, I should get moving.”

“Don't go,” the detective pleaded with a strained voice.

"I think I should. We can still talk.” She shrugged as she backed up and went for a coy grin, but she knew the hurt in her eyes were as obvious as the moon shimmering through John’s window. “We can be friends maybe.” The minute she heard the lie come out of her mouth, she knew that she was making the right decision. She was not a liar and she wasn’t going to be a pathetic woman who lied to herself constantly to make herself feel better or worse, hold on to a man in anyway she could for fear of being alone.

Evangeline turned towards the door to make her exit when John asked vehemently, “Can we?”

The question forced her to stop dead in her tracks. Her head whipped around to face him. Her silky hair followed. Her eyes met his in a questioning glare. He walked over to her. He needed to invade her space to make her see how much of a unit they had become. His hands outlined her collarbone, one of her many sweet spots that he discovered when they first became a couple.

“I normally don't do to friends what I’ve done with you. What I want to do to you every time you’re in the room and I see that beautiful skin of yours waiting to be touched.” She knew he was going for her neck. The way his beard would tickle against it drove her crazy and she knew he knew that too. He kissed it softly at first then, began to suckle gently. Yes, he was playing dirty and it wasn’t fair.

As much as Evangeline wanted to give into the pleasures of her flesh, she knew nothing could be solved that way. Not anymore. She backed away and put her arm out to create some distance leaving a still passion-glazed John in confusion.

“So you make me feel desired and beautiful and sensual and those are great emotions. But do you want to have a relationship and a future of some sorts? Without being coerced or making me feel like I am coercing you?” She put up a hand before he could speak and said, “I don’t want you to answer that. I just want you to think about it and then understand why your hesitation is an answer enough for me. And why it is at all that I even have to ask you.”

“You’re a liar,” John said softly.

“Excuse me?” Evangeline asked with chagrin.

“You preach to me all the time about expressing my feelings and being honest. But let’s just get down to what’s really bothering you. You’re afraid.”

Evangeline was stunned. It was an answer she didn’t expect. And she wasn’t going to let it slide. “Afraid? I-”

“You're afraid that I’m with you because I can’t have Natalie because Cristian is back. That you’re a fall back.”

“Oh, you’re way off base here.” Evangeline claimed with an attitude that John had never seen before. And damn it if it didn’t turn him on even more. He loved that about her. She would never just take what he said and run with it. She always challenged him no matter what.

“Oh, am I?”

“Yes, you are. Listen, I know you and Natalie shared something before what with losing people you both loved and all that and, of course, her sick way of enabling you to play the hero at any cost is much to be noticed. I’m not clueless-far from it-but Natalie has nothing to do with me. Quite frankly I find her to be an immature, selfish, brat face, who doesn't know her foot from her ass. But that’s neither here nor there. You might have residual feelings for her and that’s fine. Because when you’re making love to me you scream out my name and not hers. So at least in that area, I feel that I’m pretty confident. Your heart, that’s a different matter. But trust me John, I’m way over the point of thinking about whether you think of her while we watch a movie together or when you kiss me or call me. I don’t do the jealous thing very well.”

John was man enough to know when he stood corrected. “Okay fine,” he acquiesced, “Then what’s the problem? Why are you making this bigger than what it is?”

“You’re a man John so maybe it’s not for you to understand. But just know this: when all you can do is think about me-I mean being with me, needing me, but most importantly loving me-then maybe we can talk. I know you don’t love Natalie, not the way she might love you, but this is beyond her. No, this is about you. You and your feelings and fears. Whatever they are it’s holding you back from all of the wonderful possibilities that lay before you. And that’s sad John but, not sad enough for me to want to stick around and get my heart broken over it. I see now that I can’t help you. That whatever this is, you’ve got to do it on your own. I’ve got to be woman enough to let you go to grow if that’s what you need.”

“So that’s it. You’re just going to walk out of here and not even try,” he stated rather than asked.

She cocked her head to the side and folded her arms. Maybe if she looked that part of fierce she could actually channel the attitude into herself. “Detective, I’m doing something I've absolutely never done before: I’m making a decision for myself based on what’s good for me. I’m not just leaving it to you to decide whether I deserve you as is. I am fair, however, so I’m also going to let you do what’s good for you too. I’m putting the decision in your hands as well. What you do with that power is up to you, but I’m not waiting around and I’m not going to give my body or heart to you anymore while I wait. Let’s just call it a spiritual awakening. See you around detective.”

“Wait,” he pleaded.

Evangeline stopped and turned around to face him once more. “No, John. That’s all I seem to do. Why don’t you do the waiting this time?”

"This isn't going to change anything for me Evangeline. I'm still going to want you and I'm still going to want to take things slow."

The lawyer laughed but her eyes, however, were full of disappointment. "Don't flatter yourself in thinking that I'm trying to bait you. Despite my behavior in your presence I have a little more dignity and respect for the both of us. I'm not a desperate whore."

John‘s eyes went dark again, his mouth thinning at her words. "Don't ever think that I think that about you."

"You just did. But here's the deal John. Plain and simple, spoken in modern English. No matter what you decide, this woman is moving on with or without you. I'm not asking for marriage, hell, I don't even believe in it. But I want a commitment of some sort. And all the little strings you tie on our wrists and things you say to me, it doesn't always compute with the things you do."

There was a long silence there. As much as she needed to leave, Evangeline waited just to see if he would say what she wanted, no, needed to hear. Not that she would believe him at that point. Still, she wanted to see if he was even going to try to make an attempt. But the words never came. She shrugged outwardly and sighed inwardly.

Evangeline took a final second to compose herself then, with her back still turned to the only man she ever loved and a hand still on the door, said softly, “I don’t want to try anymore John.”

The door shut softly behind her, a little click snapping John back to reality. To him, it sounded like a slam into his chest. He was left alone in the middle of his bedroom with nothing but his own thoughts.

Don’t wanna try
Don’t wanna try
‘Cause all we do is fight
And say the things
That hurt you bad
To where we both begin to cry…

**********

“Van! Hold on!”

Evangeline looked up to see her good friend Nora Hannan-Gannon Buchanan-Rappaport running up to her, her briefcase tucked firmly under her arm, cell phone in one hand, and coffee in the other. She smiled sincerely at the sight of friend who always seemed to be juggling everything but a beach ball. Thank the Lord she wasn’t crying. She didn’t feel like explaining how her life was going down the tubes at the moment and she definitely didn’t want to explain tears.

“Hey Nora. I'm sorry I didn’t hear you the first time.”

“Or the fifth time for that matter,” the red head said as she tried to catch her breath.

Evangeline put on a smile and shrugged. “I’m sorry,” she apologized once more. “I was just a little…”

“Distracted?”

“Yeah, that would be it.” Evangeline had learned in her two years of knowing Nora, there was nothing she could hide from her friend.

“Ah,” Nora replied sympathetically. “Is this about a man who happens to be a police detective, tall, dark, gorgeous, and a little mysterious?” she asked with a grin that implied she knew everything that wasn’t going on between the two love birds.

“Oh, you know me so well,” Evangeline replied sullenly.

“Well, my friend that’s what I'm here for. C’mon. Let’s go get a bite to eat at Rodi’s and talk about why men suck.” Giving Evangeline a quick pat on the back, she ushered her towards her car.

"You too huh?" the young lawyer inquired with a raised brow as she slid in the seat beside Nora.

“Most definitely,” the D.A. grimaced after she turned to her friend, put the key into the ignition and rode off.
**********

“So you really gave him an ultimatum? Just like that?” Nora asked right before she bit into her double deluxe cheeseburger. Her friend’s forehead became wrinkled as she stirred the straw in her soda.

“Nora, I don't know what came over me. All I can tell you is that I was just so…frustrated,” Evangeline sighed slightly annoyed at herself for being such a…well, for being such girl.

Nora laughed. “Men can do that to you.”

“Tell me about it.”

“What I want to know,” Nora began, “is how this even came about?”

Evangeline recalled the moments before she entered John’s apartment in her head and took a deep breath. “I was sitting in my office when John called me to remind me we were on for dinner and a movie tonight. The conversation was fine, there was nothing particularly wrong about it. I told him I would be there in a few minutes and he said okay. I hung up, got in the car, went to his place and just sat there for a moment parked. And I kept thinking to myself, why am I so upset? All day there was this foreboding presence, this nagging feeling that I had something on my chest and I needed to get it out. And I realized that these past few months I have become the kind of woman my mother and I would laugh about. The kind that takes whatever is given to her because she fears being alone or rejected. And that’s just not me. And I hated feeling that way and John for making me feel that way. I hated myself even more for allowing it. So, I just got out the car and went up the stairs and knocked on the door and just told him everything I was feeling. And then there was this point where I backslid and I actually could hear myself say, ‘I don’t want you to think that I can handle this thing…this us.’ I was so disgusted with myself Nora because I was lying to myself and to him. I couldn’t handle the way we were. It was driving me up the wall. So that’s when I gave him the ultimatum.”

Nora nodded with a smile. “I’m proud of you. You finally did what you had to do for yourself. That’s a good thing ,even if it had to come from a bad situation.”

“I guess so,” was all Evangeline could muster. Now that she had done it, she did feel better but the rush and emotions behind it were starting to fade and the enormity of what she had done was starting to sink in. If she was honest, she was missing him already.

Putting her burger down, Nora brought her chair closer to Evangeline for more privacy. In Llanview, whispering wasn’t enough to keep people out of your business. “Okay, don’t take this the wrong way-I’m a lawyer so devil’s advocate is like second nature to me-but where is this coming from? What do you expect to get out of this?”

Evangeline shrugged and leaned in closer to her friend. “Look, I realize that I’m no Virgin Mary. I’m not Heidi Fleiss either. I can honestly count on less than one hand how many men I've been with. Obviously it’s a little too late for all of that, but I need to know where he stands on us. And sex? Well, sex just complicates everything. It makes it easier for us to not talk about what the real issues are. Call it self preservation or paranoia or whatever, but I don’t want to feel like a tart anymore.”

Nora gasped slightly, the shock on her face plain for all to see. She didn't think John McBain was the kind of man to go there. “I don’t believe it. Did he say you were?”

“No. No!” Evangeline exclaimed. “God no. He didn’t say that at all. I don’t think we’d be speaking of him in present tense if he had. I told him it was more of my fault than anything. And I wasn’t lying when I said that. I am the one that had everything to give and I gave it all away for free knowing how he was the whole time. It’s not like he lied to me about anything. So I really can’t be mad at him for taking what I put out.”

Nora’s brow rose and she shook her head with disbelief. “Evangeline, you didn't do anything wrong. I mean, I had no idea you were so…”

“Convicted? Religious? Evangeline offered. “John said pretty much the same thing. Believe me I’m not. I believe in God and the Bible and all that goes with it but that’s not where this is coming from, which I’m sure disappoints my mother to no end, poor woman. But really it’s about this feeling that I have. This feeling that he...this is crazy.” Evangeline shook her head as if the simple motion would make the thoughts in her head disappear.

Nora smiled having the slightest suspicion she knew what Van wanted to say but wouldn’t out loud. “Don’t back down now. C’mon and say it.”

She hesitated. It’s not that she was afraid to tell Nora what she was thinking. She was afraid to tell anyone. Putting it out there in the open, in the air, was sort of finalizing it. It couldn’t be taken back once it was said. It would be actualized and in reality. But, Evangeline supposed, if you couldn’t be real with your best friend then who could you be real with? Evangeline gathered her courage, and went for it.

“I don't know. What if he’s the one? What if he’s the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? And if he is he’ll never realize it if he thinks he can take me for granted or if he keeps holding on to this past of his that just brings him down. If I accept his behavior and enable him to treat me like I’m an outsider to his feelings, then my opportunity for a lifetime of happiness is gone. Whoosh. Right out the window. Because I wouldn’t be happy in a one sided relationship. I’m not trying to play games, I’m just trying not to get hurt.”

I don’t know how to love him
What to do
How to move him
I’ve been changed
Yes, really changed
In these past few days
When I’ve seen myself
I seem like someone else

She waited for Nora to say something. Anything. It took a minute but the surprised look on her face had said it all. “I...I had no idea that you felt this way. You, the woman who speaks against the forevers and L words of romance.”

Evangeline bit into a french-fry shaking her head as she chewed. “Isn’t it crazy? It’s just, what if he is the person that could change my life? I have such strong feelings for him and, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Period. Everything I thought about love and every time I thought I was wasn’t truth. That was not what love was. For the first time, I feel like I want to love someone and that I can very easily.”

“And you think by staying away from him, you will make the relationship stronger?” Nora asked, not sarcastically, but a little skeptical all the same. She wasn’t sure that this was the best way to handle the situation but Evangeline was a smart girl and she new John better than she. If there was anyone who could figure out anything it was the pretty lawyer sitting across from her. And given her track record she was no one to really be giving out advice.

“No, I think by cutting off the entity that brought us together, it will give us both an opportunity to see if this thing we have is just basic chemistry or if it’s something else. If we have something that stands aside from terrific sex. I’m simply taking out a major element in our relationship and seeing where the cookie crumbles. If I fall in love with him, I don’t want to be the only one doing the loving, the giving, and the talking. If it’s not love for him then I still have the opportunity to get out now. Sure, I’ll be a little worse for wear but it won’t be as bad as me keeping up this farcical pursuit of a non-existent thing.”

Nora really sympathized with her friend. She understood where she was coming from, she really did. It reminded her of all the times she had kissed all of those frogs thinking she had found her prince. But deep down, she had chosen those frogs subconsciously because she didn't want to fall in love. She wanted to be independent and unruffled by any man.

I don’t know how to take this
I don’t see why he moves me
He’s a man
Just a man
And I’ve had so many
Men before
In many ways
He’s just one more

She squeezed Evangeline’s hand to show her support. “It was bound to happen. You couldn’t avoid love forever.”

Vangie put her hand up in consternation. “Don’t say it. I don’t know if I’m ready to hear it yet.” She paused giving Nora a once over. A light bulb went off in her head. “Let me ask you something.”

“Ask away. That’s what I’m here for,” Nora replied leaning back in her chair.

“Is it wrong for me to feel this way? About John?”

Nora raised a brow, clearly confused. “Why?”

“Because it’s just different. We’re different.”

Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out
I never thought I’d come to this
What’s it all about?

Nora thought she understood where Evangeline was going with this. “Oh, you mean because he’s white? I can tell you what it was like for me to be in an interracial relationship, but every couple is different. I guess the most general advice I can give you is if you ignore the few outsiders who are ignorant then it’s no different from any kind of male-female relationship.”

“No, not that,” Evangeline admitted, “Well, that is a thing. I will admit to never having been involved before with a man who wasn’t of color, but that’s not the issue.”

“Oh, you mean because he’s a copper and you’re a lawyer?” Nora asked.

Evangeline sighed for what seemed like the millionth time since starting a relationship with McBain. “That would be the one. We’ve already had some problems because of him being with LPD and me being a defense attorney.”

Nora shook her head in disagreement. “Number one, that’s because the biggest factor in the situation was the only other redhead in town whose name begins with the letter N, as in Nutcase. Number two, it’s only a problem if you make it a problem. And there are great examples of people on opposite sides of the spectrum that made it work.”

“Anyone I know?” Evangeline asked skeptically. She was sure there wasn’t.

Nora smiled smugly. Her friend thought she came unprepared. Little did she know. “Well, yes actually. You’re looking at her.”

Evangeline held her french-fry filled hand midair in confusion. “You and Bo? But you’re not together anymore.”

“Thanks for pointing out the obvious,” Nora replied facetiously. “I know, but Bo was LPD and I was a defense attorney and we made it work. Believe me, the reason we aren’t together has nothing to do with him being a cop and me being a lawyer.”

Evangeline saw this as the perfect time to take the focus off of her. “So what's stopping you from getting back together now?” she asked innocently as she wiped her hands on a napkin.

Nora rolled her eyes at her friend’s attempt to be sly. “What are you doing counselor? Changing the subject?”

“Obviously not very well,” laughed Evangeline. “But don’t be evasive. Answer the question.”

This time, it was Nora’s turn to sigh. “What’s to tell? Bo and I are having a clashing of the heads right now. He’s just being pig headed about everything these days.”

“Would it have anything to do with you and a Mr. DA Daniel Coleson?” asked Evangeline.

Nora flashed blinking hands to indicate her hitting the target. “The one and only. I just don’t know why he’s so upset. He’s with Paige and I’m with Daniel. We’re both in really good places right now. I don’t know what his problem is.”

Evangeline couldn’t control the sudden laughter that was bursting to escape her mouth. She doubled over in giggles managing to eek out an, “Are you serious?”

“What? Why-why are you laughing?” Nora asked in a rather annoyed tone. It was one thing to be the enlightener but quite another to be on the receiving end of enlightenment.

“No it’s-”

"Is something funny?" Nora asked cutting her friend off, her foot tapping impatiently.

Evangeline finally controlled her giggles and gave Nora a pat on the shoulder. “Oh please. Nora, I know that you can’t be that blind.”

“Apparently so,” Nora replied sucking her teeth.

“I'm not trying to be offensive but open your eyes! It’s right in front of you. Bo is jealous of you and Daniel and-”

“That’s ludicrous!” Nora exclaimed with an undignified shriek.

“And you're jealous of Bo and Paige,” Evangeline continued with a shrug..

Nora shook her head emphatically and threw her balled up napkin on the table. "Now you’ve definitely have gone off the rocker. I think your new found position in romance has caused you to have a temporary occipital meltdown.”

“I’m just calling it like I see it. Every time you see Paige and Bo together you look like you want to...well, hurl for lack of a better word.”

“Hurl? What is this, fifth grade? Look, I am not jealous of Bo and Paige,” Nora said banging her hand on the table a little too hard to convince Evangeline’s mind. In fact, Nora sounded so sure of herself that Evangeline knew her friend was anything but.

“Okay. Whatever you say,” was all she said, still smiling and looking highly skeptical. Too skeptical for Nora’s liking.

“No I’m serious Van. Whatever feelings that Bo and I have had for each other have came and went. We’ll always have a connection. We have Matthew together and that was the best thing to come out of our tragic relationship but, other than that, there is nothing there.”

Evangeline knew better than to press the matter. Nora’s face was starting to match her cropped do and that was never a good thing. Evangeline placed her white napkin in the middle of the table to signify a truce. “You’re right. I was wrong. Faulty observation.”

“Faulty observation indeed. Besides, I have Daniel now and he makes me extremely happy.” Nora said it as if she was trying to, once again, reassure herself of her own words.

“I don’t doubt that he does,” was all Evangeline dared to offer at this point. She knew how far to push Nora and she would say she pushed enough.

“Right. I'm happy for Bo. And the whole idea of me and him it’s just so ridiculous.”

“I believe that you’ve said that already.”

“I'm just reiterating. Smart aleck.” Nora said with a frown.

Evangeline was going to drop the subject until she saw that fate indeed had a very good sense of humor. And excellent hearing. Evangeline smiled her trademark half-grin in the direction of Rodi's entrance then leaned into Nora. “Hmmm. Well, then you’ll be glad to know that Paige and Bo are coming our way. I think to say hi.”

“Oh,” was all a less than thrilled Nora could muster.

“Smile, Nora. You wouldn’t want to give them the wrong impression. After all, you just absolutely love the idea of Bo and Paige honeymooning in the Bahamas,” Evangeline said slyly as she watched her friend watch the couple come toward them.

The redhead scowled at her friend. “I’m suddenly beginning to think that this friendship is not going to work.”

Evangeline laughed, finally happy that she wasn’t the only one having trouble sorting out her feelings in the romance department. “Oh, don’t be that way. You know that I love you.”

“Bo! Paige! What a pleasant surprise,” Nora said as they approached the table.

“Nora, Evangeline. How are you tonight?” Bo smiled at his former wife and her friend.

The smile seemed genuine. As if it had gone to his eyes. Nora had to admit she hadn’t really seen him smile like that in a long time.

“I’m doing well Commissioner. You’re looking pretty spiffy tonight for Rodi’s,” said Evangeline trying to keep the mood light and quirky. Nora was her best friend after all and seeing her in distress-even for a moment-was not something Evangeline wanted. It was so rare to see Nora off her hinges for even a second that it always took her by surprise.

Nora was determined, however, not to let anything get the best of her. She smiled brightly at her ex-husband as he responded to Evangeline’s question.

“We’re just grabbing something to eat before we go on our date. Thought we’d settle down with some good ol’ fashioned grub.”

Paige laughed. “I know how much Bo appreciates a beer and a steak and so do I.”

Evangeline and Nora glanced at each other and mentally rolled their eyes. Paige loved steak and beer as much as Dorian Lord loved Viki Davidson. Paige saw the quick glance the two women before her sent to one another and her smile froze.

“Well, I think the two of us should let you ladies carry on with your conversation. Bo and I have tickets to the theatre to see La Bohème,” Paige said, her frozen smile still on her thin, baby pink lips.

Nora chuckled and gave Bo a sly grin. “Ahh. And I bet you can’t wait to get there, huh Bo?”

Oh yes, Evangeline thought as she watched them share another inside joke, these two still have it for each other and they don’t even see it.

Paige didn’t catch Bo rolling his eyes as he was behind her but she had had enough. With one more polite-but frosty-goodbye, she grabbed Bo’s hand and walked off.

Nora rolled her eyes and crossed her arms against her chest. “If that woman prefers steak and beer as opposed to caviar and wine, then my name is Pamela Anderson. I tell you, who does she think she’s kidding? La Bohème,” she repeated in an icy tone similar to Paige’s. “Bo would rather shoot himself in the foot than go to an opera! He doesn’t even like to go the movies most of the time. He’d rather stay in and watch them or a good football game.”

Evangeline took a bite of her burger careful not to spill any on her DKNY suit. She watched as Nora attacked her mash potatoes with a passion. She looked her friend dead in the eye and said, with a straight face, “Gee, Nora. For someone who could care less about what Bo does and who he sees, you certainly seem to still have a pulse on his tastes.”

Nora sniffed the air as if detecting an offensive odor, her face drawn tightly. “I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer.”

Evangeline simply nodded, knowing what was coming.

“Except to say that Bo and I were married. You just don’t forget about a person’s characteristics, their likes, and dislikes just because you aren’t together anymore.” Nora argued.

Evangeline held up her bottle of Bud Light and simply replied, “Hmm.”

Don’t you think it’s rather funny
That I should be in this position
I’m the one who’s always been
So calm so cool
No lover's swoon
Running every show
He scares me so…

Viewing nights under the surface
Knowing I found
Can’t run away from
Can’t make it undone
While reaching out for anything
Screaming without a sound
How did I find you
How was I supposed to try?

John McBain stood in the center of his apartment for many minutes after his lover had left. He tried to move towards an enclosed place. A place where he wouldn't be so exposed, but his feet would not allow him to do it. More importantly, something else was tugging at his dress shirt so adamantly he could almost hear it.

His heart.

Years after the death of his first love, he thought he could never again regain that sensation. The sinking feeling in the pit of a man's stomach when he knows he just let the best thing walk out of his life for good. He had given up on feelings of those kind years ago. And yet here he was in 2005, years after Caitlin's death and after catching her killer, running away from one potential relationship only to fall into a more complicated one. One that was unexpected, but if he was going to be honest with himself at this moment a necessary one. One that mattered.

There, he said it. Evangeline in his life was vital to his happiness in ways that Natalie Vega nor Caitlin-God rest her soul-couldn’t fulfill. He felt free when he was with her. Even when they were having one of their famous knock-down arguments about whatever, his thoughts never strayed from how lovely she really was and how much joy she brought into his otherwise drab existence.

He was the yin to her yang. She was the day to his night. It seemed as if they had almost nothing in common yet, there was so much they did have in common it scared him. They came from different walks of life, separate sides of the street and different sides of the color spectrum but they both feared commitment, losing control, opening up…letting go. They were workaholics and often used their job as a way to hide behind their emotions. The fact they both chose a career that involved justice, spoke many volumes. And from the very beginning both of them had been on the same page physically and emotionally. Well, the latter used to be a common ground until Evangeline plunged in and took risks they both knew were too scary to speak aloud.

What was holding John McBain back was that he was frightened.

I'm frightened by the love
That's in you
But it's alright
And I'm
Frightened by the love
That's in me
But it's alright
It's alright

He was frightened of what completely loving Evangeline would mean to him because he had the feeling that she was the one. And if she was the one, that would be it for him. He would invest his whole life in protecting her, loving her, comforting her and then there would be no turning back. If Evangeline was the one, then she would be the final piece to the puzzle and John didn’t know if he could handle that. He didn’t understand completion anymore-only fragmented shards of his former self. He couldn’t deny that she was the only one who had been able to skillfully put those pieces back together without him even noticing until the project had been almost finished.

John moved towards his bed, stripping down to his boxers along the way. As he made the short trek from his living room to the bedroom, he noticed all of the improvements that she had made in his life without him knowing it. Fresh flowers on his table, pictures of them on his nightstand (well, he’d actually put the pictures there but she had given him the frames), and some of her fancy lawyer suits tucked into his closet.

John opened up the closet door and fingered one of her snazzy power jackets lying next to one of his dress pants. Funny how they usually wore the same colors unintentionally. He didn't know if it was coincidental, whether they just liked the same colors, or if it was some sort of subconscious telepathic connection. He cursed himself silently. When did he become a sentimental schmuck? When did he get to be the kind of guy that went sniffing around his girlfriend’s clothes just to smell her scent and thinking about color coordination?

He slammed the closet door disgusted with himself. He had made of mess of things hadn’t he? But that was no surprise. That was the one function he was good at doing; ruining a good thing. She was right, he was keeping her at arms length. The detective walked over to his fire place and ran a hand over his spotless mantelpiece and smiled as he remembered why it smelt like lemon Pledge. She had come over last weekend and dusted.

“I figured since you’re never aware of how thick the dust is in here and that I’m allergic, I’d dust for you instead of dropping subtle hints you’ll never pick up.” She had laughed uncontrollably as he tackled her to the sofa and began to tickle her in retaliation for her snide remarks. She looked so cute that day with her hair secured by a bandana and her comfy tank top and sweats combo which did nothing to hide her gorgeous body.

She had even vacuumed, he thought with a sigh. His fridge and cabinets were stocked for the first time in years. The woman could cook-whether she liked to was a different story. And that was what made it so endearing. The fact that she’d rather not spend an hour in the kitchen when she could go out to eat but did it for him said much for her character and what type of woman she was. She was selfless. Almost to a fault. John knew, however, Evangeline would never be a stay at home woman. That was always something he just assumed would happen when he got married. Caitlin was going to follow in the tradition of the countless McBain women that had come before her. She had been content to focus on building their home fulltime once they started a family of their own. He came from a clan of stay-at-home wives. Evangeline would never give up her career unless she wanted to and he was certain that she wouldn't. She was a product of the late seventies where women could do it all and then some. And as chauvinistic as John could be sometimes-he hated to admit it-in his thinking, he would actually be okay with that because he really believed that Evangeline could do anything and everything she set her mind too. She had a made career out of compartmentalizing her life.

John sat down on his bed and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Dammit!” he said aloud to no one in particular. This woman was a drug. The good kind too. The kind that seeped through your veins in a matter of seconds releasing you from all hellish realities. The kind that took you so high you’d be too scared to come down because of the long way. She had him thinking about his future. Her future with him. Our future, he thought. But in his mind, John was almost sure that’s not what he wanted. Futures were fairytales in his book; illusions that made you hope for the best only to turn into a nightmare before you could even blink. He could hardly get through the day without his life being in danger, how was he supposed to think about tomorrow and that of someone else?

Oh, he was frightened even if he never said it to anyone but himself. Evangeline could mean everything he told himself he couldn’t have because of the job he had chosen and the skeletons and dirt that lay beneath his soul. And if he gave her his love he would be constantly worried about her safety. He would go crazy over whether a guy he bagged would seek revenge on him via his woman. It happened once before. It could happen again. And if she shined a light on all of the pain and hurt that had caused him to clam up at anything new, he was afraid she would run away; too horrified by his past to stay with him. At the crux of his fears was that he would have her momentarily and then lose her forever. He would rather break her heart now so she could live without that fear. Hell, so he could live without that fear. He could love her from afar, worship her from a distance. He was used to suppressing his emotions even if it slowly killed him. She would get over him. He couldn’t go through another Caitlin tragedy.

Not again.

But to let her go...it would be so painful and so tiring. At the end of the day when he came home, he looked forward to her being there. To talk to her about a case. Even though he couldn’t say much and she would tease him about his tight lipped nature, she would cut through it all and just listen to what little he had to say. And she always gave him a different way to look at things. Lawyers and cops were practically sworn enemies. The cops would work diligently to get the bad guys and the lawyers would work just as diligently to get them back on the streets. Somehow, though, they worked through that even when they had been on opposite sides on the same case. It was hard, but it was worth it.

Evangeline…she made him feel desired, scared, excited, competitive, worthy. She made him need.

The only one who understands
The only one who gave me
Something to belong to
With nothing left to undo
With you everything is beautiful
And I'm not scared to be
Falling into unknown
With you I find the strength to carry on

John laid back on his pillow and sighed. Her voice kept resounding in his head. “And all the little strings you tie on our wrists and things you say to me, it doesn’t always compute with the things you do…I don’t want to try anymore.”

As sleep claimed John the last thought he had was that she would never understand how much those words affected him.
**********

John woke up startled. He was in an unfamiliar place. The sun was beating on his back like a laser so hot it was. He shook his head to get his bearings. Looking around, John suddenly realized he was indeed in just the opposite of unfamiliar. How he got there he didn’t know but he was there. A place he never thought he would return to again but seemed to do so time after time. It seemed it was out of his control.

“Freedom Park,” he said softly. It had almost been a home away from home for him when he was in D.C. with the FBI. He and…Caitlin. They would sit out there almost every afternoon in the spring and summer for lunch and people watch. Everyday was a different scene on Pennsylvania Avenue. Tourists, agents, college students and senators having power lunches would come to the park to enjoy the fresh air and the beautiful sites it offered. The luscious green grass, the statues and the vendor where the best hot dogs in the city could be found were only a few favorites on John’s list in the park that was made to resemble the American flag. If he were a different kind of man he would have cried right there, but he was not.

Every time he came, he tried to be surprised. Like he didn’t know what he was doing back in this spot where it all began and concluded horrifically. It certainly wouldn’t have been the place he’d chosen if he were coming back to D.C. It had too many memories. But he always came back.

He lost his thoughts as he watched the hustle and bustle of the city go by. The park wasn’t as crowded as usual but there were people there enjoying the beautiful afternoon. Dogs catching Frisbees, babies crawling on the blankets their parents had set out for them. People taking pictures.

“I never get tired of this place,” a soft voice said breaking the silence.

He knew who it was automatically. He could never forget that sweet voice. He heard it almost every night in his dreams. Nightmares, depending on how you looked at it.

“I knew you would be here,” he said smiling. “You’re right on time.” He turned in her direction and saw her sweet face, her green eyes as sparkling as the emerald ring on her finger glinting in the blinding sunlight. She was wearing a cotton red sundress that had been her favorite piece of clothing since he could remember. She looked like an Angel.

The red-headed beauty only smiled in return and took a seat. “You know I could never miss this. This is our special time where no one can harm us.”

His smile faded a little bit and he looked at the ground. “I know this isn’t real.”

“Do you want this to be real?” she asked serious this time around.

“More than you can imagine.”

“I have a pretty big imagination,” she said with a grin.

John chuckled glad to be in the familiar. “I know. I remember our ‘Anywhere but Here’ games.”

She laughed, the echoes traveling towards the heavens. “I remember. I always had something new but you always said the same thing. Grand Canyon, rock climbing, with me.”

“Well, I didn’t need to imagine being with someone else when I had you. And what better place to appreciate nature with the one you love than at the mother of all canyons?”

She patted his cheek, and he immediately felt comfort. “You don’t change at all do you?”

He shook his head as he watched the pigeons gather around a piece of bread that was thrown to them. “Not much. Call it one of my many idiosyncrasies. But you always accepted it.”

“Yes I did,” Caitlin replied watching the birds as well. She turned her gazed back to the man who was her fiancé. “Sometimes to a fault. But you know John, change can be a good thing. It can be therapeutic.”

John snorted. “Not really.”

“Yes really. You don’t even dream differently. It’s always here. Always.”

“But you said this was real.”

Caitlin rubbed her arm the way she used to when she was at a loss for words. It was one of the things he found endearing. “Ah…very good. But you know what I mean. All of this is wonderful. It gives me a chance to stretch my legs when you bring me here which has not been often as of late.”

John choose ignored the last remark and only replied, “I hear the ‘but’ coming from a mile away.”

“But," she started with a slight smile, "don’t you think it’s time to finally put this place to rest? We’ll always have it and it will always be ours but it’s not where we are anymore.”

“I try to, but I can’t. Caitlin I…I can’t forget you and what happened and what we had.”

Caitlin crawled into the nook of his arm and closed her eyes. “This feels good.” She paused for a moment to soak in his familiar scent of ivory soap and aftershave. “I’m not asking you to forget me. I hope you’ll always have a little piece of your heart tucked away for me. But I don’t live in your reality anymore.”

Jon stroked her hair absentmindedly. “Yeah, and that’s my fault. You should be here with the living, planning out your own future with children and carpools and your career if that’s what you wanted.’

Caitlin turn out of his nook to look him in the face. “John you didn’t kill me. Haver did that. But you got him. You stopped him from harming anyone else.”

“After more innocent people died at his hands,” John countered.

“That’s not your fault. You aren’t God. You didn’t know.” Caitlin turned to face him and John could not look at her. “Look, John, I’m at peace now. Where I’m at, it’s so good and so beautiful. I always knew that believing in God was a big risk. You know? It could've all turned out to be a lie but I did and when I was put to rest, I could understand everything. It was all so clear to me. I wasn’t angry. I was happy.”

“Happy?” he repeated skeptically. He didn’t buy it. “To be away from your family and friends and your life?”

Caitlin sighed knowing that he would never understand it until it happened to him. “I miss my family terribly. You have no idea how much. But where I’m at is so peaceful. How could I regret being there? I only regret not being able to spend a full life with you.”

“But you were murdered because of me-because of something that had nothing to do with you.”

“John, when it’s your time it’s your time. Haver got my body, but he never had my soul. That belonged to something greater than he could ever imagine. I’m here aren’t I? With you, talking to you and I’m not angry so why should you be?”

Gently taking her head into his hands he kissed her softly on the lips. “I loved you, you know. I did. I didn’t always show it or say it, but I did.” John needed her to believe that because he felt like it was all starting to slip away little by little.

“I know. And I you. We had some great moments together. Our vacations in Atlantic City,“ Caitlin smiled cheerfully at the memories.

“I remember those. Our cheesesteak eating contests.” John laughed at the memory of tiny Caitlin swallowing half of the steak in one bite. “I always wondered how someone so little could pack all of that in and stay tiny.”

“A good metabolism and a lot of extracurricular activities,” Caitlin replied with a hint of blush at her cheeks.

“I was always glad to be able to help keep you healthy.” John fingered the stitching of the blanket remembering how many times they had made love on it, planned futures on it. “You always knew me better than anyone else. I never had to put up a front with you. You just took me for who I was.”

Caitlin nodded in agreement. “It wasn’t always easy, but I could do it because I loved you. Love, it changes everything. The things you thought you could never handle or put up with become nothing more than simple tasks when you love someone. Minor footnotes in the end. For me, I always knew that I was safe with you. I knew you were always going to protect me to the best of your abilities.”

“And look where that got you,” John said bitterly. “Dead. I didn’t live up to my promise. I let you down.”

No you didn’t. On the contrary. John,” she paused, as if she were gathering courage, “I think it’s time for me to let you in on a little secret.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” he asked when he finally could look her in the eyes again.

“There are things that are bigger than us. Some people call it fate, other’s the master plan. Really it’s all just your destiny. It’s set in motion. And there are people who you interact with on the way to fulfill your destiny who are catalysts of some sort. They kind of get the ball rolling for the big events that happen in your life. You following me so far?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Okay. Well, here’s the thing: sometimes the people who you think are supposed to be in your life for the ride aren’t really supposed to. And that’s how it was for me and you.”

“I think you’ve just lost me,” he said.

“Simply put,” she continued, “my destiny was never supposed to be with you. I was here to fulfill your destiny. To jump start your main event. See, while you were here to be the love of my life, to give me happiness and a sense of living, I was not here to be the love of yours.”

“That’s bull," John protested, "I was in love with you Caitlin and you know it.”

She expected the reaction. It was how she felt in the beginning, when she didn‘t understand any of what was going on. “Listen, listen. Calm down. It’s not something that sounds good, I know, but it is what it is. My job was to give you the tools to learn how to love and how to be a part of a whole-an entity that is both part of you and outside of yourself. I was the preparation, the appetizer if you will. I was never supposed to be the main course. I wasn’t meant to go on John. It was never going to happen that way whether you were in the picture or it was someone else. There’s a reason why Haver was the one that did it and not someone else. He led you to Llanview.”

John rolled his eyes and snorted. “Oh, so God deemed you unimportant to go on and me important enough to stay. Is that supposed to be some sort of joke? This is me not laughing.”

Caitlin rolled her eyes at his stubbornness. “Such the cynic you are. Evangeline is going to have it tough.”

John became uncomfortable at the sound of Caitlin‘s voice saying Evangeline’s name. He tried to focus on the trees rather than look her way. “I…I, uh, I didn’t think you’d know about her. We…I, never talked about her.”

“To spare my feelings I’m sure. But that’s okay. When you first came here you and I would make love and it was like nothing ever changed, but then when she came into the picture, it just stopped. We just talked. You never did that before, not even with Natalie. When you guys were together for that brief period you could talk to me about her so I knew there was no threat there. I could hold on to you for a little longer. But Evangeline...I waited for you to say something about her. I didn't know if you didn't know that I already knew or what but you never did. That’s when I knew this was serious. But she’s beautiful and strong and kind and wonderful. I’m not jealous of her. I’ve been loved by you without all the drama you’re caught up in now and that was great.” She chuckled and added, “She’s got a lot on her plate.”

“Love? Who said anything about love?” asked John, still on the "love" comment Caitlin made.

“Even in your dreams you’re stubborn aren’t you? But you love her. You know you do. She’s the one John. She’s the love of your life.”

“How do you know that? I don’t even know. I don’t even know if it’s like that.”

“Of course you do. Think about the master plan. Haver murders me, hides in Llanview. You follow the scent and it leads you from AC back to where you started and you have a connection between Walker Lawrence and Todd Manning who lives in Llanview as well. Todd Manning gets caught up in the Mitch Lawrence business as he takes the face of the brother of the man who, unbeknownst to him, has fathered at least one of his nieces. And as you settle into Llanview and the mystery of the Music Box Killer unfolds, you meet up with Natalie Vega who is married to Cristian who gets killed in the middle of all the mess, supposedly, and you feel guilty about having used Natalie to catch the killer. Now, her new husband of barely a minute is dead and you feel responsible. Suddenly it’s like what happened to me all over again except this time the red head doesn’t get her man, but she gets to live. You try at a go for it, but it doesn’t work. In the mean time you get arrested for murdering Haver and who does Natalie call to defend you? Miss Evangeline Williamson, gorgeous and brilliant attorney at aw.”

“So let me get this straight,” John started, “You’re saying that your murder by Haver caused me to come Llanview where he was so I could meet up with Natalie only to have her husband be killed and then me go through the whole guilt trip thing in which we feed of each other’s loss of loves. Then Natalie being this ‘catalyst’ was destined to bring Evangeline into my life because we’re soulmates? Okay. Are you getting good air up there because it sounds a little crazy and manipulative to me,” John said still disgusted at what he was hearing. If this was all some big cosmic hoo-ha that was planned out, then he wanted to have a conversation with the person in charge of putting him and the people he cared about through so much pain.

“Not manipulative,” Caitlin answered back. “Just your fate my friend. I mean, it wasn’t too long after that you and Evangeline hit if off was it not? Admit it, you were interested in her the moment she stepped into that cell maybe even attracted to her the first time you met her months before when she was working for Kevin Buchanan.”

John looked horrified partly because I was true and the other part because Caitlin had tapped in on it. “I was being accused of murder! Who had the time to check anyone out?”

“Whatever the case, you both were interested. And even my sister played a part.”

“Katherine,” he said again with bitter resentment. “Another person I couldn’t save.”

“Oh, Katie was far gone before you got there John. She took my death quite hard. I knew it would be tough on her. We were the best of friends." She paused for a moment, willing her self to continue. She had no idea how hard this would be even after knowing what she had to do all this time. "Look, I loved my sister but she made some bad choices in the end and it didn’t end too well for her. That wasn’t your fault either. She was responsible for herself. But if she hadn’t been murdered in Miss Williamson’s office, then you and Evangeline would not have ended up working together to help her client’s fiancée and you would have never had that night.”

John took a moment to take it all in. It all seemed so real. So natural to be talking about Evangeline with Caitlin when it should have seemed strange. To be sitting here in their special place talking about another woman. Talking about the people who died as if they were just discussing the newest Denzel Washington movie. It somehow seemed so wrong, but what she said made sense in an Outer Limits sort of way.

“Wow,” was all John could say.

“Hey, I don’t blame you for falling for her. She’s quite a catch. Not your type and certainly not who I would have picked out for you at first glance but when I saw closer, I realized that she was just what you needed. Certainly has the patience to put up with you. Well, until recently. In any case, I knew that she was the right woman for you. And that's what you needed. Not some silly girl who didn’t have the patience or the maturity to let things be the way they were supposed to be. You didn’t need someone who needed your protection. That’s what started all of this mess in the first place. You needed someone who could take care of herself to the point that when she did call on you, you could see how much she really loves you, trusts you. How much pride she’s sacrificed to give her heart away to someone.”

“It just feels weird talking to you about this,” he said looking into her eyes for some sign of discomfort only to find nothing but…understanding, maybe?

Caitlin laughed. “Hey, with your penchant to get it on in public places, I don’t see how simply talking about love with someone you loved can be weird at all.”

John winced. “Ahh…tell me you don’t see any of that.”

Caitlin laughed again. “John, I’m a part of you. I see it all. Think of me as one of your protectors who watches you along the way to make sure you’re okay. That’s my job. And I’m not saying it was easy seeing you be passionate with another woman. Especially knowing it was never like that for us. But I think I'm okay with us never being caught in a stranger’s basement," she laughed.

John smiled for a moment then grew serious once more. Pushing a hand through his hair, he sighed. “I’ve really made a mess of things haven’t I?

Caitlin shrugged. “You’re a man-it’s what you men do. Luckily for you, though, all is not lost. You just need to be honest with Evangeline and tell her how you really feel. Not how you think she or your think you should feel. I think she would understand once you tell her.”

“Tell her what?” John asked.

“That you’re afraid to love her because once you do you’ll go crazy if you ever lose her, “ Caitlin replied.

“Perception is overrated.”

Caitlin smiled slyly, knowing she had him by the britches. “Hmm…I find it to be quite useful in my line of work these days.”

She brushed a strand of windblown hair away from his face. “C’mon John. I know you. I know how you think. And you can’t admit it, but you’re afraid to let her all the way in because it means that you’ll never want to keep her out once you do. She’s not asking you to change for her. She wants you to change for you. I said earlier that I could accept you as you are, but that’s not always right. That’s not always love. Love is seeing all the potential there is in someone and wanting them to reach it. She sees you struggling. She wants to help you help yourself. That’s love. She won’t let you settle for being tortured by inner demons when she knows you can be free. Even if it’s not with her. She’s willing to let you go so you can let go. How many people in your life, me included, did that for you? We all just sat back and said, ‘Well, this is who he is. He doesn’t have to say or do anything, his actions are enough.’ We let you seep further and further down thinking it was best to ignore it than to upset you with the truth. But since I’m being honest, while I knew that you loved me as much as you could, a part of me knew that you could not give me all of you for whatever reason. But I would rather have had a piece of you than not have you at all so I chose to see the things I wanted to see. I settled for some of you. This woman is not like that. She’s not capable of being dishonest with you or herself. She she's not going to settle for pieces because she understands that she’s worth having the whole.”

John sighed. The truth was finally starting to sink in and he was at a crossroad for sure. “She’s so full of life and love. I see it in her eyes. She makes me happy. She makes me think about other things besides work and everything that has gone wrong in my life.”

“Like what?” Caitlin asked. She closed her eyes tilted her head towards the sun to get the full warmth.

“Like that I could have a future filled with good times. Homemade meals every month-she’s not into cooking the way you were but she’s excellent at it-children, companionship, love to last a lifetime and then some. Simple things really like waking up to something good and honest and knowing that she’s yours for life. She was really the first person I opened up in depth about what happened with my dad and you. She didn’t try to judge me or pacify my ego, she just listened and reminded me of the truth. She’s so beautiful and so self-confident. I’ve never really been with someone so sure of herself before. She knows what she has and yet there is the side to her that is completely vulnerable, undiscovered by anyone, even herself.”

He stopped and caught what he just said and looked at her apologetically. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking...I didn’t mean-”

Caitlin put a hand up and laughed. “You didn’t have to say. I already know you were thinking it. And I’m not offended. I’m here to listen. You’re right. You’ve always been attracted to those who were openly vulnerable, the type of woman who depended on a man to make her happy or to protect her. I wasn’t as bad as Natalie, but I was certainly not anywhere near Evangeline. But John, doesn’t that make you feel good? Knowing that Evangeline doesn’t need you because she has to, but because she wants to?”

“Of course,” he said immediately. “It blows my mind that she trusts me like that. Enough to let me take care of her when she needs it.”

“Now it’s my turn to feel the ‘but’ coming,” Caitlin said.

“But,” John started, “just as easily as it can all be given to me, it can just as quickly be taken away. And I can’t lose another person in my life. I won’t put another person’s life at risk to satisfy my own happiness.”

“You will lose her John and yourself if you don’t straighten this out. Evangeline belongs to no one but you. And you don’t belong to anyone but her.”

Caitlin opened her eyes and took a deep breath. She stretched an arm out towards the open air and said, “I want you to look at something.”

Caitlin pointed towards the center of the park. A family of five (six if the dog was included in the mix) sat in the middle on a blanket. Two children were running around their parents in a circle laughing and yelling the way only children who have never known a moment’s tragedy can. And in the middle of the commotion sat a woman holding a baby in her arms, her back resting into the chest of a man that was probably her husband. John saw how peaceful they looked and blinked back a few tears. It was something he told himself repeatedly he could never have.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Caitlin asked softly. “Look a little closer.”

The detective squinted against the sun and the family finally came into focus. Her hair was much longer then, but it was Evangeline. She looked so beautiful. Like an angel sent from heaven. She seemed happy. The man must have said something funny because she laughed and turned around to kiss him. As the beautiful little girls exclaimed their outrage at their parents public display, John realized that the man was him. Those were his children. Evangeline and his.

Caitlin smiled. Her work was almost done. “You’re a man who always has to be in the know John. You’ve always been the type to want know what happens next so you don‘t get surprised. Don’t you want to know what happens next? Being scared never overpowered your curiosity before. Why start now?”

John finally turned his attention to Caitlin. He didn’t understand any of it and he didn‘t understand what she was doing. “Why are you showing me all this Caitlin? This can’t be easy for you.”

Caitlin, never taking her eyes off of the scene, said, “Your happiness makes it easy for me. I love you and I will never stop loving you. I want you to have the best life possible even if it’s not with me. I accepted that a long time ago when I knew what I had to do. And these past few months you’ve looked happy John. When you look at her or when you simply touch her. Or the nights where you reach out for her and she’s not there. That’s the part no one sees. When even in your heated moments, you can’t stand but an inch away from her. You thirst for her. Did you ever feel that way about anyone? Me, Natalie?”

The deafening salience coming from John was all the answer they both needed and Caitlin shook her head. “No, because there is love and then there is earth shattering, hard core, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-this-person kind of love. Love that doesn’t involve guilt, or obsessive needs to fulfill someone else’s happiness without fulfilling your own. And this is your opportunity to cash in on the biggest mystery of your life. Walk away from it now and you’ll be walking away from living. You will have chosen death.”

She saw that John was going to protest and she shook her head. “No, I know what you’re going to say but don’t, okay? I’m not mad, I’m not angry. I’m okay with it now. We would have never had what you could have with her. But understand, this is not about me and you or just me anymore. This is all about you and her and just you. That right there,” she pointed to his family again, “is everything that you know you really want but can’t admit or even worse, don’t feel you deserve to have. Of course, it’s slightly distorted. There will be bumps along your way as it is with anything but time after time the results will almost always be like that. Are you really ready to walk away from something so right and real? Because it’s so close, it’s right at your fingertips, you just have to grab it.”

There was a long silence as they both looked at future John stroking Evangeline‘s hair while looking at his baby boy. He looked proud, content and satisfied. Like he had found home and peace all in that circle.

“What happens if I don‘t?” he finally asked.

Caitlin tilted her head and shrugged. “Ah, you see, that’s not something I can show you. I’m only allowed to pick one. I chose to show what life with Evangeline could be like. You’ve seen enough horror in your life to last a century. You didn’t need to see the ugly. You know what it looks like and you’ll recognize if it comes to that.”

“I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I’m strong enough,” John admitted hoarsely.

Caitlin gabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. “You can and you are. It’s time to let go. Keep the memories that were really good and about something special and move on. You need to love that woman the way I know you can. With all of you heart. If you just let it happen and stop trying to control your feelings, you’ll find that most of your problems will disappear. Because it’s not something you’re supposed to control. This is the one emotion where you can just feel it and throw caution to the wind.”

John brought Caitlin to his embrace, afraid to let go. As she retreated, she smiled the sweetest smile. The one that had always made him melt every time he saw it. As his breath caught on the wind his nostrils were filled with familiar scent. Like fresh flowers…in the springtime. And that’s when he knew.

He choked back the tears and took her in. All of her. From her delicate hands to her small frame. Her creamy complexion so different than that of Evangeline’s. Caitlin looked fragile. Not weak, but fragile. Her freckles made her seem so young. And Evangeline. Well, loving and tasting her was like devouring the finest chocolate. Rich, smooth, sensual, beautiful and powerful. They were so different. He couldn’t ever remembering having an argument with Caitlin about anything. She was so agreeable and when she wanted something done, she had been subtle about getting John to come around to her view. He wouldn’t realize until later that he had been coaxed. Caitlin let him believe he was in control of everything. But Evangeline, he argued with her all the time and he loved it. And the more she butted against him the more he needed her. She wasn’t afraid to call him on his mess. She wasn’t worried that he would walk away. She could need him but she could also leave him. And that’s what he admired most about her. Her strength.

Caitlin watched him work it and knew that her job was done. She could finally be at peace. Her Johnny Mac would be okay. It had been painful to watch him fall for a woman harder than he had ever fallen. But everyone had a duty and she had to finish hers. She just had no idea that it would hurt her so much to see him take the fall over someone else. She could feel that he was already letting go even as he held on for one last round to fight his feelings. She could feel herself slipping away. It was time.

“I’m not going to see you again am I?” John asked already knowing the answer.

Caitlin kissed him softly on the cheek and wiped his tears away. “I’ll always be in your heart. And I’ll always be watching over you.”

“You have to know that I love you Caitlin. I always-” he tried to finish but his voice would not obey his mind.

“Shh,” she whispered softly. “I already know. And for what it’s worth, let’s just leave it at that. It’s not about the past anymore. The time is now. Grasp it with all your strength John because once it’s gone you can’t get it back. But I need you to do me one favor.”

“Anything,” he answered.

“I’m going to get up and I don’t want you to say anything to me. I just want you to stand there and...watch me walk away. Reflect, but don’t say anything. I need your last word to be ‘anything’. And to remember that when you are at your lowest and you don’t know where to turn to, God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. And that anything is possible when you let yourself love and be loved in return. Can you do that?:

John touched her hair, then her face until he traced her form with his fingertip. He felt her life force slowly leaving his mind and settling into what would be a very special part of his heart. He nodded silently as promised.

They rose off of the blanket. Her favorite blanket in their favorite spot with her favorite sundress. She laughed because it was all she could do and hugged him tightly once more before walking away. Out of the park and out of John’s existence. John watched as she walked by the spot where he and Evangeline still sat with their children laughing and playing. Caitlin stopped for a moment to look at them. She turned back one last time and yelled, “It’s only real if you want it to be.”

As she disappeared into the crowd, so did he, Evangeline, and the children. The detective who was known for his stoicism, sat down on the blanket and cried. The years of bottling all his frustrations, disappointments, love, loss, anguish, hope and fear had come pouring out of him like liquid on glass. He could finally see what he needed to do and who he needed to do it with. “Van, I need you,” he whispered.

“Then come and get me,” an echo of Evangeline’s voice whispered back.

John McBain awoke in the dark. Alone. He was still frightened, but it was all right.

I'm frightened by the love
That's in you
But it's alright
And
I'm frightened by the love
That's in me
But I know it's alright
It's alright

Come to me now
Lay your hands over me
Even if it’s a lie
Say it will be alright
I shall believe

A heavy knock on Evangeline’s door brought her out of her slumber. Her heart pounded in her chest at the startling sound and she tried to open her eyes in the dark to focus.

“What the…?” she started groggily as she tried to find the clock in the dark. The red numbers told her it was three twenty-two in the morning.

All Evangeline knew was that whoever was knocking on her door had better had a real emergency at this time to be waking her up.

The knocking persisted and she sighed. Pulling the covers from off of her, she got up and made her way to the living room. “I’m coming already!” she shouted. “Hold you horses,” she mumbled under her breath.

As she began pulling the locks off the door, she put one eye to the peep hole to see what idiot actually had the nerve to bang on her door so early in the morning. “What?” she asked herself softly as she recognized the figure in the hallway.

She opened the door fully and stood there silently. John McBain looked like a mess. Something that was unusual for him. He looked like he hadn’t slept well and he was paler than usual. His hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. Evangeline had never seen her boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend, like that before. Something had to be wrong. She waited for him to say something but just stood there looking at her.

On the other side of the door, John was thinking that Evangeline never looked more beautiful and fresh than when she was just waking up. She was void of any make up and her skin still looked flawless. She looked so young and vulnerable in that moment, still defenseless in her drowsy state. And he knew she was the kind of woman that could go out like that too. She could go without the make-up and the fancy clothes because she was confident in what she was and who she was. She understood her self-worth. She was a woman.

No longer being able to keep the silence, he said, “I was in the neighborhood.”

Evangeline raised a brow. “So you were in my neighborhood at three in the morning and you just decided that you should stop by on your way from…bowling and brooding?”

He could have said something sarcastic in return or he could have made up a lie, but she would have called him on it and they both knew it would be pointless. He let out a short laugh and said, “Something like that.”

Evangeline wasn’t falling for it so she folded her arms ready to assume her suspicious stance and tossed her hair back. “You’re going to have to give me a little more than that John.”

John looked into Evangeline’s eyes and he saw the hurt that she tried to mask so diligently beneath the surface. He could always read her like that even though she thought otherwise. He always knew what she was feeling. Maybe because she was always upfront about her thoughts. But even beyond her frankness he saw the secrets and hurts she tried to keep hidden from the rest of the world. He shifted his weight to the other foot and leaned into her space.

Broken in two
And I know you’re on to me
That I only come home
When I’m so all alone
I do believe

“Can I at least come in?”

Evangeline wasn’t going to budge. She knew she was safe as long as he stayed outside of her cocoon. “I don’t see the point in that McBain. We’ve both said, I think, everything we had to say to each other today. I got the point loud and clear. I don’t need a further demonstration.”

Evangeline watched a nervous John turn immediately into the detective she both loved and hated. His eyes narrowed in on hers and the blue orbs of fire flickered with anger. “Don’t you dare act like I don’t care. That this,” he motioned between them, “isn’t anything special to me. You never let me explain. You didn‘t wait for-”

The detective never got to finish his statement because Evangeline, with brute strength she must have borrowed from her ancestors in the moment, yanked him inside of her condo and shut the door.

“Wait?! I’m so sick and tired of that word. Of doing that action!” she shouted as she pushed his back to the door. “That’s all I do all day, every day is wait! And I don’t want to wait anymore. I’m young, successful and…and…black, damn it!” John raised an eyebrow at that comment and Evangeline could feel her cheeks burning. “And okay, I couldn’t think of something better to say because it’s three in the freaking morning so don’t look at me like that,” she warned him.

“The point is, I’m a good person, I care about people. I don’t deserve to wait. I’ve never waited before and I am disappointed that I let myself become that kind of woman who would, especially for a man.”

If John hadn’t been in love with Evangeline all the way before, he had certainly just fell the rest of the way right then. He touched her face with his back still pinned to the door and he saw the conflict that lay in those chocolate eyes of hers. He saw her filled with desire for him and him alone but, also deep anger. Anger at him and maybe at herself for still wanting him. And even worse, hurt. He could deal with people hating him, being angry with him. But he couldn’t deal with knowing he caused another person pain.

John didn’t try to touch her, but he nodded. “You’re right. You don’t deserve to wait. Not for me or not for anyone. Now, let me tell you what I don’t deserve.”

Evangeline backed up, her face still firmly set with anger and resentment. John slowly began to walk toward her as he talked. This time Evangeline was being backed into a corner. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve your love or your patience or you putting up with my walls. I don’t deserve your heart or your body and definitely not your soul. Your time and your energy would be better spent with a Harvard grad who was on his way to becoming the next president. Someone who will cloak you in love, jewels, wealth and everything that your heart desires.”

That not everything is gonna
Be the way you think it oughta be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won’t give up on me
I shall believe
I shall believe

Evangeline’s eye twitched at his speech. Her back hit the wall softly on the other side of the room. She didn’t dare interrupt him while he was on a roll. “Because I can’t give you all of that. You’ll never live in a mansion with me and I’m never going to be able to quote Socrates or fly on Air Force One. You won’t get tiaras every week and new fancy designer clothes. All you’ll get is me. Me that comes with a past and baggage that I haven’t really claimed yet. Me that has trouble opening up and who doesn’t really do birthdays or flowers. So if that’s what you’re looking for you’ve got the wrong man. And you’d be right. I don’t deserve you. But guess what?”

“What?” Evangeline whispered so softly he almost didn’t catch it.

He grabbed her face gently and took her mouth with immediate urgency. He felt her body tense and her heart pound against his own speeding heart. Their tongues began to mesh into a rhythm that was now as familiar to him as his own breathing. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him as close as she possibly could and it still wasn’t enough for him. He realized how much he depended on her to make him whole-to make him happy. He loved her so much he wished he could leave the world behind and crawl inside of her. Because Evangeline Williamson was his saving grace. His protector. In her arms he was the one that felt safe.

He reluctantly pulled apart to finish what he had to say. Evangeline waited, breathing heavy, wanting so badly for it all to be over. She just wanted to know so she could move on. So she could have a chance to be happy.

Open the door
Show me your face tonight
I know it’s true
No one heals me like you
You hold the key
Never again
Will I turn away from you
I’m so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

John, still holding her face in his hands, made her look at him. “You’re stuck with me. I told you before we were worth fighting for. And that hasn’t changed. So with all of my flaws and issues you’re stuck with me because I’m too selfish a bastard to let you go. I love you Evangeline Williamson. And I’m telling you now that I’m not always going to get it right, but I’m sure as hell going to try because you deserve that. You make me want to be a better person. You were the first person since Caitlin to make me want a future. To make me see how much it is better to love and be loved than to sit in the dark brooding, as you say, in guilt over things I can’t control and never could. Dying a little as each day went by. I didn’t realize it until it was almost too late. I didn’t realize it until it was almost too late. Until I saw you walk out that door and thought it was forever that the only time I ever feel like I’m home, is when I’m with you. I messed up Van, and I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. Yesterday, today and tomorrow. Give me a chance to deserve your love Van and I won’t let you down.”

That not everything is gonna
Be the way you think it oughta be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won’t give up on me
I shall believe
I shall believe…

Evangeline could no longer hold back the tears. She bit her lip and brought her hands to brush the loose strands of hair away from his face. “Lieutenant, I think that’s the longest I’ve ever heard you talk.”

John chuckled. “I told you I was working on it with you.” He suddenly became serious again. “But the question is was it enough?”

Wrapping her arms around his waist she tilted her head back and smiled. “I’ll tell you in a minute. But now, I have to ask the questions. What made you come to this revelation?’

John brought Evangeline over to her couch. As he sat down he pulled on top of his lap. “I went to bed tonight alone. I’m so used to you being there now. Your presence. Everything in my apartment has a hint of you in there. I just stood there for awhile thinking about us, about why I was so afraid to say what I was already feeling. Then I went to sleep. And I dreamed of Caitlin.”

“Your fiancée,” Evangeline said as a statement rather than as a question.

John nodded. He loved how there was no insecurity there when she said Caitlin’s name. No guarded jealousy. She accepted that part of his past with sincerity. Not just on the surface. “Yeah. It seemed so real. We were in a park back in D.C. It was our favorite spot. And she told me things.”

Evangeline wanted to know what those things were, but she wasn’t going to ask. She was curious but she wasn’t tactless. John saw the question still in her eyes but she held her hand up in protest. “I don’t wanna know. It’s private. And I don’t need to hear about it.”

“But I want to tell you,” John interjected. “If I’m going to start breaking down these walls and fully give you my heart and my trust, I’m going to have to be upfront with you. I don’t want to hide my feelings from you anymore. I need to tell you everything.”

“Only if you want to John; I don’t want you to feel like you have to. Like I’m forcing you,” Evangeline said sincerely.

“You’re not,” he promised. “Anyway, we just talked about old times a little and about my guilt over her death. Pretty much all of things I hate to talk about like feelings and me deserving happiness. But we mostly talked about my destiny and where you fit in it. The gist of it was that you’re the love of my life as she put it. You’re the one. the only one for me. . I already knew it, but I was fighting it.”

“Why?”

“Because I thought loving you meant that I was putting your life in danger. My job sometimes makes the ones I love a target for that kind of thing. I was afraid to love you, to have you in my life because it would mean I could lose you for good. It feels like everything I touch sometimes turns to dust. Maybe it’s not just my job. Maybe it’s who I am that gets people hurt.”

Evangeline rolled her eyes and smiled in spite of herself. No matter how hard she tried to tell John that she wasn’t china he wouldn’t listen. “Oh, John you’re not going to lose me. And yes, when you shut people out, and close up your heart that is when people get hurt. That’s the only time they get hurt. Not because you’re this evil person you think you are. And as far as your job is concerned, John, I knew what you did before we became involved and trust me, I’m not going to crack under pressure. Tough girls don’t do that. And they don’t pick people to be in their lives who they know will let them down. When it’s my time, it’s my time and there is really nothing you or anyone can do to stop it from happening.”

He smiled because Caitlin had said those very words to him. “I know. I know that now. But uh, it’s not easy sitting back and doing nothing when you’re so used to having to be the protector all the time. It’s hard to let that role go you know?”

“Well,” Evangeline began, “I don’t know about the protector role, but I know what it’s like to hold on to something because it’s all you know. It’s familiar.”

“Yeah, exactly. But Caitlin…she helped me to realize that my life wouldn’t be good without you in it. I would never be happy. And she seems to think that I deserve that happiness.”

“She would be right. It seems to me that Caitlin was one very intelligent woman.”

“She really was,” John agreed.

Evangeline hesitated for a moment and cocked her head to the side to study John’s face. “But I don’t want you to be with me because someone told you to. Real, imagined ,or ghost from the past, you have to want it. Need it for yourself.”

Alarms went off in John’s head and he shook his head in protest. “Don’t be crazy Van. Caitlin’s voice, for a long time, has been my subconscious. My moral compass always trying to steer me in the right direction. When I dreamed of her, it was really just me trying to work out the demons inside of me. I was talking to myself through Caitlin’s voice-I think-because it was easier to be critiqued by someone other than myself. All I do is beat myself up over every lost moment and every victim that has come my way. That I couldn’t save. Caitlin was a safeguard she could be the outsider to reiterate everything I felt. I think I do that a lot to people, you know, use them to hide from my reality.”

John smoothed a wisp of Evangeline’s silky mane from her face. “I stopped dreaming of Caitlin for a long time. Probably around the time when we put the strings on. You became my everything even though I didn’t see it. Didn’t want to see it. And now, when I look at you, I see the person I want to stand beside-not behind. You make me feel alive and loved. Complete. You made me grow up and realize that I’ve been stuck in this emotional tug of war with where I was as a kid who lost people he loved and the man trying to overcome all of it. You and you alone are responsible and no one else. So don’t ever think that anyone could tell me what to do where you’re concerned. I know you have a good reason to believe just that, but I telling you now that I’m going to work hard to absolve that fear and doubt in your eyes.”

She simply nodded and brushed her lips against his in acceptance of his decree. “I guess maybe your dreams were a way to say goodbye to the past and recognize the future.”

“Our future,” John corrected her.

“Our future,” she repeated. “I like the sound of that. And I like the way you say it McBain. I think you’re a keeper.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Excellent,” he said going in for another kiss, but Evangeline laughed unexpectedly before he could commit to target area-her luscious, kissable lips.

“Ah, I see the McBain I-only-speak-in-sentences-of-three is back.”

John smiled and shrugged. Still, there was one thing that Evangeline wanted to know despite her better judgment. Even as he professed his love to her the thought niggled in the back of her mind. “I do have one more question.”

John sighed suspecting what the question was. A compliment to how well he knew his lover. “I have the feeling I’m not going to like it.”

“Probably not, but when has that ever stopped me? Are you sure that you can really move on? That you’ll stop using your past or anything else for that matter as a way to keep me out? Because I really need to know now John. I’m not going into round two with a chip on my shoulder. But if you tell me that you’re willing to let me inside of you soul, then I’ll believe. I will believe you because I know you don’t lie. ”

Evangeline waited with a look of total serenity as she stared into her lover’s eyes searching for an early answer. But inside, her stomach twisted in knots.

“I knew you were going to ask that,” was all John said.

Evangeline waited with a look of total serenity as she stared into her lover’s eyes searching for an early answer. But inside, her stomach twisted in knots.

“I knew you were going to ask that,” was all John said.

“Well, then you know me very well.”

John stroked Evangeline‘s thigh absentmindedly. “Natalie isn’t an issue anymore. I don’t she think ever was,” he said truthfully.

“I didn’t say Natalie John,” Evangeline pointed out.

“But you were thinking it. I know you better than you think Evangeline.” When she looked away he smiled knowing he was right. “She was never a threat. Only my guilt over her and Cristian. I was the threat. But I had already told you that before. I was never in love with Natalie and I’m sorry if it seemed otherwise.”

Evangeline sighed. It was her turn to be honest and to face her own insecurities that had come in the picture right around the time John came into her life. “John, my issues weren’t with Natalie. To tell you the truth, I didn’t know her well enough to be concerned with her actions. Sure, I heard the stories about how she blew into town and of course I represented Mitch Lawrence so I knew all about that. But I was concerned more so with your feelings and how you viewed your relationship with her. And yes, I questioned whether your feelings for Natalie were deeper than yours for mine. It seems like every time I turn around, there she is-or was. And you…well, I can see why she is attracted to you, why she wanted you. You’re a good man and those are hard to come by. There is always going to be a woman or two who have their eyes on you. I can handle that if I know I’ve got you the way you’ve got me.”

John shook his head in protest but Evangeline would have none of it. “Demons and all you are still a wonderful man. You wouldn’t have trouble getting any woman if that’s what you set our focus on. So when Natalie would come to you, I almost expected it. But what I didn’t expect was that you would keep allowing her to enable you to protect her from everything, including yourself. And you can’t, or rather, couldn’t even see what you were doing. To make matters worse, people around town seemed to think that you two had this connection of some sort. And it’s not like I didn’t see it. I knew there was something there, but the connection I saw when I first spoke to you about…it wasn’t the same one I realized later on. What I finally saw were two people who were in a very bad way trying to stay that way together but for different reasons. As long as she was a victim you could play hero to her, and you would endlessly be trying to rectify what you think you did or didn’t do for Caitlin and whoever was apart of your life before you came to Llanview. And I guess for Natalie she could play that role and have someone take care of her. She has many insecurities, all which usually involve men taking care of her in the end. It’s why I kept telling you to figure it out before we got deeper John. I could not save you, you had to save yourself. And I wasn’t going to play games trying to get you to do it. I’ve given you all the time in the world without complaint. Because I wanted you to be sure that this was what you truly wanted.”

John blew out a big breath. He knew it was coming. This was the moment of truth. He had told he loved her which by no means was that a lie. But could he still crack his heart open enough to let her see all the turmoil that lay dormant? Well, he thought, here goes nothing. “Natalie was a clutch. A sick clutch, I know. With her it was easy to be with her and just exist because there was nothing much to talk about with her. We could talk about all the unimportant bonds we shared. The things that didn’t really matter but still tied us togethe.. And usually she did all the talking. I could listen to her problems and sort of fix them for her. She demanded so little and needed so much at the same time. So you’re right when you say it wasn’t really her fault. I allowed it because I thought that after getting her husband killed, the least I could do was spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy. Even fill Cris’ shoes if that’s what she needed.”

“But all at the expense of what you needed?” Evangeline asked.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. When I met her, it started with a lie. And when it all ended…the truth was harder to come by. Maybe I thought it was pointless too. I had lied to her so much it felt like the truth to me. I was convinced that it was all for her own good. And then you walked into my life. You just came out of nowhere. And what happened in Mary Barnes’ basement, I never saw it coming. I think I told you that before.”

“You did,” Evangeline said with a small smile.

“But when it happened, it was like this energy that was bigger than you and I. We said we both weren’t ready for anything more than casual and yet, we couldn’t stop being near each other. Honestly, I thought, ‘It’s just really great sex.’ We’re good together like that. Whatever issues we had outside of the bedroom we kind of took it out on each other inside. But then I started to see early on that it was going to be more than that. We were talking, opening up about our pasts, spending time with each other outside of the bedroom, It just seemed so natural when you suggested a date then, finally, strings. And I knew what you were doing. I knew you weren’t trying to corner me but I could see that you were becoming more interested because you’re not the kind of woman who gives her body to a man without giving them a piece of her heart even if it was supposed to be a one time thing with us. Still, you always gave me an easy out and I wanted to take it at first. My mind was working against what I was feeling in my heart. I thought I could control everything I was feeling for you. I could give you what you wanted just enough to keep you with me without having to go to the next level. Every time I went to put a stop to this, every time I said that this couldn’t go farther, I kept adding more strings or wanting you to demand more. You ruined my plans.”

“I did?” she asked with a raised brow? She had no idea John McBain made plans of any kind. Especially ones that involved her.

John nodded. “You don’t even know how electric you are do you? How wonderful you are to someone like me. You wouldn’t let me run away when you saw that I was starting to hide. You saw that there was something there and you didn’t really push, but you kind of let me know where you were and I could either follow or stay back. And while I thought I should just stay where I’m at and just let things fizzle, I couldn’t. The more time spent with you, the more I could feel myself changing. And you were changing too. You took interests in what I liked ,asked me about me, and made sure I was okay. For the first time in a long time, someone was taking care of me and I didn’t even see it until I was in the thick of it. I didn’t know how to react to that.”

Evangeline shook her head in disbelief. “You’re not used to being put first are you?”

The detective chuckled. “Yeah. I’m not sure if that’s completely the fault of others or some of mine. But you’re like that to. Used to taking care of yourself without letting others help you. Except with me. You opened up to me to show your vulnerable side. The side that no one sees. The day that bastard attacked you, I know how hard it was for you to lean on me and let me take care of you. But you did. I was beginning to see that I was going to have to meet you halfway at one point or another and that scared me. Because that step meant that love wasn’t far away.”

“So what are you saying John?”

“I say all this to say that maybe I did push Natalie in between us. She was like a life preserver in the middle of the ocean. She gave met the opportunity to keep my life the way it was, to keep floating in the middle of nowhere. With her, I could be in control of my feelings because it was never about my feelings. It was all about hers. Being her savior. And maybe if I could be there for her enough, you would get the picture and walk away. Leave me rotting in my misery.”

“But then Cristian came back.”

“Yes, he came back. And it was like a wave of relief. Relief that the world was almost right again. Natalie was going to get her happy ending after all and I could scratch her off my list of righting wrongs. But at the same time, it meant that I couldn’t use her anymore to stop you from coming in. Suddenly you were always in my thoughts. The only one in my thoughts. I would spend hours in the office thinking about you and us. And the possibilities. And every time I got close to saying to you that I loved you, I shut those thoughts down.”

Evangeline sighed. This side of John, it was so new. So different. She didn’t know if she could handle it all at once. But she understood that he needed to get this out, and she wasn’t going to stop him for anything in the world. She stroked away a tear that fell slowly from his face and closed her eyes as he kissed her hand. “Why would you do that? To protect me?”

“To protect me,” he admitted almost ashamedly. “If I didn’t let you in, I could never be hurt again. I could never lose another person that I loved. But the night you were attacked I was working on suppressing my feelings and I was still scared shitless. So I guess it wasn’t working. But for you to understand why I’m like this you should know the whole story.”

Evangeline nodded and replied, “I always knew this went beyond Caitlin and your father. Am I right?”

John smiled and gave her the look that always made Evangeline melt to the floor. The look where he seemed to be staring into the depths of her womanhood. She was almost mystified by it; the way the look would put her in a trance. “You always are.”

He shifted a little until Evangeline was forced to straddle him and when she wriggled up against him in innocence, he wanted to forget about everything and just take her right there. Instead, he settled for a mental groan and his hands placed on her ample bottom; one of his hands’ favorite resting places on her body when they were just being mellow or just being plain naughty. Once she was settled she waited for him to speak.

“My father was the kind of officer who always had his scanner on in the house. Day or night, on call or off, it was glued to him like a third arm. My mother always made him turn it off though when we were eating or doing family stuff. He always told me being a cop was about protecting people who couldn’t protect themselves. And every time he turned the scanner off, he was allowing another defenseless person to be harmed. He said it was his duty to protect and serve at all times and at all costs. And I was so in love with him and what he did. He was like a hero, you know? So during dinner he would turn it off dutifully, but I would always wink at him and sneak into his bedroom to turn it back on for him. We always made it like a little mission between us and the object was to keep mom from catching us, but she always knew. She wasn’t stupid, she knew exactly why he would excuse himself from the dinner table every ten minutes to ‘check the score’. Mom knew everything that happened under her nose whether she spoke it aloud or not.”

Evangeline couldn’t help but laugh at this remembering all the times her mother would catch her and her father sneaking midnight snacks behind her back. “I think all mothers have that ability. It’s like a sixth sense.”

“Exactly,” John said with a nod. “The night my father died it had been pretty routine. Dad always had half a day on Fridays and was at home by the time school let out. On most days he worked until ten but always came home for dinner hour. That night, dad had turned his scanner off and my mother rolled her eyes because she knew it would be about two minutes before I’d turn it back on. He always made a big show of it and it would get me and Mikey laughing and my sister Brenna too. Anyway, we were sitting at the table when the scanner beeped a code from Dad‘s partner. It was always loud so dad could hear it wherever he was. Dad answered it immediately calling into the station. There was a big drug bust he and his partner had been working for the better part of a year. It had major ties with the local mob boss and maybe even a bigger boss in the New York area. His partner said he got some new leads that could put the scum away for life. My dad apologized about leaving but my mother was not happy and said she didn’t want him to go. They bickered for a few minutes until he grabbed her by the waist and gave her a kiss and told her he loved her, but he had to do it. He kissed us all goodbye and said he would be back before bedtime.”

John stopped for a moment and Evangeline wisely said nothing. She let him compose himself, caress her back in small circles and nuzzle his nose in her neck as if trying to gain the courage from where her words of comfort lay silently in wait. “The bust turned out to be a trap. See his partner had been doing double work for the past few years. A lot of times, the cops get caught up in the investigation and the greed and lust take over. Money becomes the new law and…” Evangeline pulled John gently from her neck in horror at what she was going to hear. John laughed bitterly and nodded. “Yeah, he set my dad up. His partner of fourteen years set him up for the fall. Tony Silvano, the bastard, shot him point blank at the warehouse. Execution style, with no warning. I always wonder when my dad knew the moment he had been double crossed. What did he think about? Was it about me or my mother? Himself? When my mother got the call, when she picked up the phone, I know she knew because she was worried that night. More worried than I had ever seen her. She just knew something was wrong. It was like she was preparing herself as she got us ready for bed and started talking to us about all the wonderful things our father had done for the community and to always remember how much he loved us. What a good person he was.

“When she finally told us what had happened, I felt immediate guilt. If only I had listened to her and turned the scanner off. It was such a simple thing, a simple action. A request that she asked almost every night and every night we disobeyed her fervently. If I would have listened to her that one time, maybe he still would have been alive. Not only had I lost the person who meant everything in the world to me, but my mother had too. My parents, they loved each other so much. My father, he never told me or Mikey he loved us all the time. It was the things he did for us day to day that let us know. But when it came to my mother, he was always telling her he loved her. Mom and Brenna. They were his wild Irish roses he called them. Losing him like that, so unexpectedly, I saw how it shattered my mother’s world. She fell apart. She stopped breathing. I had to step up and be the man of the family. To make up for what I had done.”

Evangeline couldn’t help the single tear from falling down her cheek at the thought of John the little boy already setting the stones in motion for a life time worth of guilt and an obsessive need to save the world. “John how could you take the blame for something that was out of your control? You didn’t ask for you father to be shot, you didn’t ask for him to become a cop. You were just a little boy doing something you had always done and every night your father came home no worse off for it.”

“Evangeline, my mind knows that now, but my heart still kinda feels like I’m still stuck in that zone when I was a kid…that it’s all on me. As a kid, you always put the blame on you when bad things happen. It’s like a natural reaction or something. But when Dad’s funeral happened, I made a vow to him that day that I was going to watch over our family and protect them. I was going to fix what I broke. And then Brenna…”

Evangeline squeezed his arm in support. “John, I know you never talk about your sister. What happened with Brenna?” She had always wondered, but always felt it was never the right moment to ask. And if tonight was John’s moment of clarity, there was not better time than now than to ask him to share if he could.

For a moment, it was as if John had traveled back to his childhood in Jersey when things were less complicated and more simple. He could see little redheaded, green eyed, three year old Brenna snatching the toy GI-Joe from him and Michael and sweetly shouting, “Mine!” His parents laughing as she bopped them on the head with the action figure covered in her slobber. Always with the mischievous look in her eyes as if she dared anyone-even that young-to call her on her mess. If anyone else would have done that, they surely would have caught a square punch in the nose from John, but his baby sister could do no wrong in his eyes or anyone else’s in the family. McBain women were few and far in between and Brenna had been the only girl in their generation.

“Brenna, from the moment she opened her eyes to the moment she closed them, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was full of life, full of love. And ambitious. She always had some get rich quick scheme growing up. When she wanted a pair of cowboy boots because that’s what Linda Ronstadt wore, she put on a little musical with the kids on the block and charged the adults a buck a pop to get in. She was the life of the party, a real go get’em type of person. You would have appreciated her drive and determination. You reminded me of her in a lot of ways. Very strong, very independent, but fiercely loyal and just a little sensitive underneath it all. She never wanted to be in Jersey. Said it was too small for her dreams.”

“How old was she when she…?” Evangeline let the question hang in the air.

John swallowed hard and said, “She was sixteen. It’s, uh, funny because I remember that day so well. Dad had been dead for about five years. It was right around her birthday when he was killed. It was really bad. Bren’s birthday, the first one after dad died, was hard on everyone. She was his favorite. Not that he didn’t love us all equally but-”

“It’s something about daddies and their little girls,” Evangeline interjected, understanding completely.

John nodded. “She wash his pride and joy. Smart, friendly, intelligent, outgoing. And Irish to the core both in appearance and temperament. So when he died she took it the hardest I think. Michael was always the practical one. He was crazy over it, but he shook it off faster than all of us because that’s just how he was. I couldn’t fall apart as the oldest. It was my job to let everyone cry on my shoulder. For me to step up and be the man. And Brenna being the baby, she was at a loss. She stopped going out for a while. She cut and dyed her hair black. She wouldn’t eat. So when her birthday came, it wasn’t fun to say the least.

“But then another year went by and another one after that and slowly but surely she had come around. Her hair was back to it’s natural color, longer than it had ever been. Almost to her knees. She was smiling again. She had a boyfriend. She wanted to be an actress or veterinarian so she spent all her time in school plays or at the local pound watching the vets with the strays. She was so talented she could have done it all. Then the day of her birthday party, I was supposed to pick her up from school at four. She was staying late to help with some charity event because she was in student government. The plan was I would pick her up and take her over to her friend Karen’s house so they could try on some new clothes they had brought at the mall earlier in the week. Karen was supposed to convince her to wear one of the outfits out. Since it was a Friday, Karen was going to come over and have a birthday sleepover with some their other friends so Bren would not have been suspicious.”

“How old were you then?” Evangeline interrupted.

“I was 20,” John replied, “still living at home but going to community college. By then I had already been a bad boy gone good. It was rough for me living without dad. I was always trying to live up to his reputation. Everyone expected me to just follow in his footsteps and be the kind of stand up guy that he was. But after he died, I lost faith in what was good and I was thinking there was no point in pursuing it. So I hung with the wrong crowd for awhile, but then it got kind of stale and just a little too dangerous and I grew up. I knew I had to watch over my family and be something more than a failure. So I graduated and went to college. I was convinced I could never really leave home so I chose to keep it local. Just in case. Well, on this particular day my mother was flipping out because the caterer was late with the cake and the decorations hadn’t gone up yet and she wanted this sweet sixteen to be perfect for Brenna. Everything had to be right. She didn’t know about the party and I couldn’t stop by the bakery without her getting suspicious. I had called to see if her boyfriend Grant Porter could pick her up but he and Michael had gone to the market to get some more food for the party.

“It was November so it got dark really quick. I headed to the bakery which was about fifteen minutes outside of town. It was a small town, though, and everyone wanted to stop and tell me to wish Brenna happy birthday, ask how was I in school and didn’t Michael start high school in a year? By the time I got out of there it was almost 4:45 and the sun was setting. I dropped the cake off at the house and mom told me she had called the school and talked to Brenna to let her know I was running late. Brenna told her she would be waiting outside by the gate since she knew how I was about being late. Mom said the last thing Brenna told her to tell me before I left was that I was an excellent hypocrite. It was a running joke in the family that I was always a stickler for everyone else to be on time, but I made up different rules for myself. As I was leaving, some sick, evil, scum of a bitch was right across the street from where Brenna was waiting. Watching her. Planning his move. She was guileless so she wouldn’t have thought twice about talking to a stranger. And in this town, everyone knew everyone. It was a rough town, but it wasn’t to the point where people were scared to be out at night. He came up to her and told her he had lost his puppy and could she help him find it.”

Evangeline gasped. “Oh John.”

“I know right? Classic line. When I look back on it, the way your reaction is now, I bet growing up your parents drilled it in your head not talk to strangers. To watch your back. Always read the signs. And I think maybe now as an adult who knows a little more about the world, it might have been a cultural thing like you being from the city and me being on the outskirts. You were probably taught not to trust strangers. But to us there were good guys and bad guys and you always knew which ones were which. Like the bastard that killed my father. He looked like he was guilty. Like he was a killer. But this guy. He was different. He was one of us. He looked like one of us, and I don’t mean in color.”

“I get it John,” Evangeline assured him. And she did. “You don’t have to explain it.”

“No, I do. We don’t talk about that part of us. We never really have except for that one night after the football game. And there is a reason why. Because it doesn’t matter. Not to me anyway. And stuff like that never has. I never want you to think that I think badly of your or where you come from. I’m as proud of your heritage as I am of my own.”

“And I know that,” Evangeline assured him. She squeezed his arm to continue.

“What I meant was, he looked normal. Like any guy you would see walking down our neighborhood. Clean cut, well mannered. Nice looking. So of course Brenna wouldn’t have hesitated for a moment to help him look for his dog. She couldn’t stand to see a wounded animal. To hell with people, if there was a pet to be saved, she wanted in on it.”

Evangeline could see the build up of his emotions ready to crumble and her heart was breaking for him. She didn’t want him to continue, not if it was too painful. “If you have to stop John, we can. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to relive this.”

But John didn’t her. He couldn’t stop. The words had finally stopped pausing at his throat and they were just flowing out of him. He couldn’t stop himself even if he wanted too. “I remember pulling up outside of the gates and not seeing her. I figured she may have gone back in the school to use the bathroom. Or it was dark, so she probably went inside to wait. I remember getting out of the car going in the school to look for her and not finding her there. Her best friend Shayla Harrison ran up to me all excited telling me that she and about seven or eight girls were headed over to our house to help mom finish with decorating. I remember Shay saying she felt bad having to lie to Bren about not being able to come to Karen’s with her, but she wanted to make sure Mom had the best friend stamp of approval. I asked where Brenna was. She said the last she had saw her she was heading out to wait for me. I told them she was probably in the bathroom and one of the girls said she wasn’t because she had just come from there. I was immediately worried. My gut told me something was wrong. When Brenna said she was going to be somewhere she was usually there unless she had an extremely good reason not to be. But she always called. Always. I ran back outside thinking maybe I would catch up with her and as I got to the gate I saw her silver bracelet that my dad had brought her lying on the ground.

“The first thing that came to my mind was she had been kidnapped. I got back in the car and drove home as fast as I could going by all the routes I knew she would take sometimes on nice days after school to go home. I didn’t see her anywhere. I was hoping to God that maybe she had called Mom and told her she was at Karen’s already. When I pulled up to the house, the guests were just starting to arrive. Shayla and the girls had got there first. When I walked in my mom must have seen my face because she immediately stopped smiling and she said asked me what was wrong. I pulled her over to the side and told her that Shayla wasn’t at the school. I could see it in her eyes the fear. It was like she was reliving the night dad died over again. Both Michael and Grant had come over by that time and Grant started freaking out. I know he loved my sister. I think had she would have lived they would...maybe, I don’t know. Very quietly we got a few of the guys that were already there and told them that Brenna was missing. None of them had heard or seen anything suspicious but they wanted to help see if they could find her. I told them it was very important that they keep this quiet. If Brenna was okay and just had an emergency then I didn’t want to get people upset and worried for nothing. Karen had called to ask if I had picked Bren up yet, so we knew she wasn’t there. I told my mother to get back in the room and not to worry. But of course I knew she was. But she was a cop’s wife. She knew how to be stoic and put on a show. She marched back into the living room as if nothing was going on. Later she told me the whole time, she knew something was going to end badly. She had felt it all day, but thought it was just because of the anniversary of dad’s death being so close to Bren’s birthday.”

John paused for a moment. He had lived with the memories inside of him for so long, he could almost touch them to make them come alive. Evangeline waited with abated breath, her face half in shock, the other in disbelief that such an ugliness could exist in this world. Even as a lawyer who many times represented the scum of the earth, there was a naiveté about her that most people were still capable of being good. Of choosing good, even though the world proved otherwise. But she had to believe because if she didn’t, the only other option was to become a recluse, emotionally closed off like…John.

“We searched for her all night. All night. By then it was hard to keep people at the house in the dark. People were starting to figure out something was wrong. By midnight, almost the whole town had been helping. But the ironic thing is that it was a few neighborhood kids who were playing T-ball at the old mill factory that had found Bren. The bastard raped her then…he strangled her and dumped her body in the thicket near the mill. He touched her innocence, ripped it from her. When the boys found her, they ran to my house and my mother was the one they told. Being the man in the family, it was my duty to go ID the body. I couldn’t let Mom see Brenna like that. And Evangeline, when I saw her lying there on the ground, lifeless, with this white sheet covering her skin. Skin that used to be so warm and fresh and full of tomorrows just lifeless, I think I may have cried for the second time in my life. She had only been dead for a few hours, her eyes were open, the look of horror on her face. The thing I most regret about her death is that she had to die finally understanding how fucked up this world is. How evil we are. Even when Dad was killed, she still believed in life and justice that people were good, they just needed love. But those eyes they were the windows to her soul. They felt everything and they showed everything she felt. She must have been so terrified. And I kept thinking, ‘Look what you’ve done. You were late. This is your fault. What kind of man are you John McBain? You wanted to be like your father but you couldn’t even keep him or his baby girl alive. What kind of son sends his father and his sister to his death?”

“Did they ever catch him?” Evangeline asked. She would address John’s self loathing later, but for now, she didn’t want him to stop.

“Yeah. They did. It didn’t take long for them to link it to a Howie D. Johnson. They found out that he had just moved into the neighborhood that year. He had a rap sheet the size of Llanfair. Most of them were sexual assaults. This was before Megan’s Law obviously. He wasn’t obligated to let the community know of his past crimes. Most people had seen him around before. You know, at the market, getting gas. He seemed normal, a loner, but that was nothing unusual since he was new. I was actually at the station when they brought him in. I came as soon as they said they caught him. When I finally saw his face for the first time, I never felt so much hate before in my life. I wanted to kill him. I almost did. It took a bunch of officers to pry me off of him. I thought maybe if I could kill him, I could get rid of some of the guilt. Maybe I could make it right. But I don’t think it would have helped if I succeed. Brenna was still dead. My mother went deeper into depression. Started drinking. I don’t think she every really recovered from losing Brenna. And at the time, I thought it was my fault. Hell, I still think that.”

Evangeline shook her head as she grabbed John’s face. “But you know your father and sister would never blame you for what some sick, evil, horrible people did to them. They know how much you loved them John. And quite frankly, you do them more of a dishonor by refusing to live your life without all this guilt and pain then you do holding on to it. It wasn’t right for them to die the way they did. No one should have to go like that, but if anything, it should have taught you a lesson. That our lives aren’t promised to us nor is how long we have on this earth to get things right. To be happy. So you’ve got love, live, die for happiness at every opportunity. By refusing to let them go to accept you‘re not to blame, their deaths go in vain. And I know you wouldn’t want that. And I know they wouldn’t want it. Not your dad or Brenna or Caitlin.”

“But Caitlin did change all of that,” John protested. “She helped me to open up my heart again. And just when I thought I could be healed, when I let her in enough to love her, she just went away. Everyone loves you, but they never stay long enough to prove it.”

“Look, John,” Evangeline started, “I’m not going to do us both a disservice here by promising that I’ll be here forever. That I’ll never leave because we both know the minute I do that, I’m setting us both up for some serious irony. The truth is that I don’t know what’s going to happen two days from now or tomorrow. Any day could be our last day here. But I will promise you this: today or tomorrow, this year or next, whether here or in heaven, whenever or wherever, I’m always going to love you. I’m always going to want what’s best for you. And I’m never going stop believing in the wonderful man that I know you are. You risk your life to protect others everyday. Some don’t deserve your protection but you give it to them anyway. Most will never know how much of yourself you sacrifice to keep them whole, but I know. And I’m always going to love you for it. And should the day come that you are left behind, know that you’re not left alone. Love is not a physical thing. It’s everything. It’s in your spirit, your heart. And I hope you carry my love for you like you carry you badge close to you always.”

The detective who rarely spoke, if at all, who could never think beyond the moment, was suddenly filled with so many words and so many thoughts of what tomorrow would bring that all he could do was stare at the woman that sat on his lap with the doe eyes stained with tears and her glossy hair tied in a messy bun perched on either side of him giving herself, all of herself to him on a silver platter. He knew that he didn’t deserve the woman that sat before him. Not because she had a fancy title, or a classy upbringing or because she preferred tennis to football. But because she was probably the most sincerest, honest, and loyalist woman he ever meant. He knew that whatever it was that gave him to her was letting him know that she was not something to throw back into the pond for someone else to recognize how incredible she was. He had said Natalie was a life preserver who just kept him afloat, but Evangeline was his anchor. She kept him grounded when he needed it the most. When he was drifting farther from himself and those he loved, she calmly held him at bay. This was love.

“I’m going to try to get it right, Van. I promise.”

“I don’t need you to try, just to do it. I know losing people you love is never easy. Especially the way it happened with your father and sister and fiancée. That’s a lot for a person to have to go through. But you don’t have to do it alone. You’ve got people here who’ll always want to help. Including me. And if we never make it together, you can still count on me to be there.”

John’s brow rose at her last comment. “You looking for us to not make it together?”

Evangeline laughed and pretended to think on it seriously. “Um, not in a million years McBain. You’re stuck with me just as much I am with you.”

John took the opportunity to suckle her bottom lip. It was one of his favorite body parts to explore. Evangeline had very kissable lips. Suddenly, the weight of all the things he had carried on his back, seemed to have lifted as he connected with her mouth. Evangeline moaned as she felt John harden against her bare thigh.

“So, are you satisfied.? Did I answer all your questions?” John asked, his breath quickening.

“Yes, you did. Thank you John. For sharing all of that with me. I know that share time is not something you like to do but I really appreciate it.”

Evangeline shivered as his hand steadily traveled up her thigh until they disappeared under her gown. John’s eyes grew dark at her reaction. “It’s the least I could do for someone who is going to be responsible for my life’s happiness. Are we good now?”

“We are so very good now.”

He stopped his stroking and looked at her in a way she had never been looked at before. Like he was staring into the very depths of her existence. Like he had uncovered of all her secrets, her mysteries. “I love you. I’m so in love with you I’m scared to death of it.”

The lawyer closed her eyes taking in the sound. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words coming from your lips. It feels good.”

“Good,” replied. “ I think I couldn’t say it because, for me, words are nothing special. Anyone can say I love you. But their actions speak louder. I had to mean it before I could say it.. I know I more than liked you very much. And I knew that what we had going was the start of a good thing. But I wouldn’t let my heart feel that. And until I did, I couldn’t let you hear what you wanted to hear from me.”

“I understand that John. I did. I do.”

John looked at the woman. His woman. She was all legs and curves. In that moment she looked like an Amazon. Strong and sensual. A woman who knew her power. And he couldn’t wait for her to use it on him. “Now that all of this is settled. I want two things to happen in the next hour. Possibly three things.”

“And those things would be?”

“First, I want you to kiss me because it was only seven hours ago that I last saw you and we have a lot of kissing to make up for the time we’ve missed in between. Then I want you to let me make love with you because that is something that I can never get enough of. And finally, as we’re completing task number two, I want you tell me you love me back.”

John’s lips moved to her ear, his hands still caressing her thigh. “While I’m inside of you,” he whispered.

Evangeline wrapped her arms and legs around her lover as he got off the couch and said, “You know Lieutenant, I think that I would like to take you up on that offer.”

Please say honestly
You won’t give up on me
I shall believe
I shall believe…