Inside my skin there is this space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
John McBain opened the door to the dimly lit hospital room and silently crept in. Inhaling slowly, he shut the door, then closed his eyes and exhaled his worthless breath. Coming in there and seeing his ex-lover lying motionless on the cold hospital bed was more than he thought he could handle. The guilt that he had neglected her yet again left a sick taste in his mouth. He forced himself to open his eyes anyway almost needing to see her as way to receive his punishment.
John had spent the past year of his life trying to forget emotions and memories that spoke of a time when he was truly at peace. Dates and places that reminded him of what he had lost. And now it was as if the flood that created the infamous ark had come back gushing into his body and mind bringing every feeling he had back to life. They say you never forget your first love, but in John’s opinion, you never forget your true love.
The cause of all his anguish centered on this one amazing woman that he had one amazing year with. And of course, him being John McBain, chief detective of the Llanview Police Department, he could not detect how wonderful it all had been until Evangeline Williamson made the choice to walk out of his life for good. Life was ironic that way.
Now she was lying there, only a few feet away from where he stood and he almost felt as if he didn’t have the right to be in the same room breathing her perfect and most precious air. Tentatively he walked to the bed. He winced at the small cuts around her eyes and the bruised cheek smudging her otherwise perfect skin. He used to own that skin. He would make melodies on it; caress it, live inside of it until he could no longer distinguish his from hers. And when he owned it for that brief period, it was as if time stood still and it was heaven. The detective tried to push the longing out of his eyes knowing how inappropriate it was for him to feel this way of all days and knowing he had no right to his feelings after what he had done to her.
I can’t believe she’s really...he thought not even daring to say the word as if not saying it would somehow make the painfully obvious less true.
When he had heard the news, he was taken aback. Evangeline Williamson was perfect, indestructible. She never cracked under pressure; not in the courtroom and not outside of it. That she could lose her sight all within the blink of an eye-for lack of a better expression-that she wasn’t anticipating it, struck him.
His hand shakily reached for her forehead where he brushed her ever so lightly. Even the slight touch sent shivers up his spine and waves of regret to his heart. If only he had been by her side before the tornado hit the church. If only he would have gotten her out of there before things got worse. It seemed as if McBain's life was full of "if onlys".
John jumped slightly as she began to stir. She opened her eyes slowly and glanced around frantically until her until her the brown pools rested right on his face; only she could not see anything but emptiness that the darkness brought. It was as if she could always sense his presence whether she could see him or not.
“Hello? Is anyone there?” she called out groggily.
John willed her to see him with all his might. It killed him that she was looking directly at him and could not know that he was there. He had finally come to his senses albeit a little too late.
“Sorry,” he said gently. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I was just coming by to check on you. But I can come back later if you want.”
Evangeline sighed at the sound of the voice. She may have been blind but she never needed her vision to know when the man she had given her heart to was in her presence. She had known somehow that he was there before he even opened his mouth. But even if she hadn’t she knew his voice like she knew her own. It frustrated her to no end that he still mattered to her. Not as much as he used to, but he was still there in the corners of her weary soul and embedded permanently in her once shattered heart.
Inside my heart there's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you
“No, no. Now is just a good as time as any,” she finally answered.
John looked to the floor and simply replied. “Okay.”
There was a moment of awkward silence that both parities seemed unwilling to break; both waiting for one to ease the other’s peace of mind first. When John realized that it wasn’t going to be Evangeline, he sighed then asked in his usual matter-of-fact way, “So how are you doing?”
Evangeline rolled her eyes causing John to smile. Not seeing wasn’t going to stop her trademark move with those beautiful windows of hers. “Let’s just cut the small talk John. Obviously not being able to see doesn’t register me for a Having It All Award.”
“It’s so hard seeing you like this,” he admitted.
“What, less than perfect?”
“No,” he replied. “It’s hard seeing you in pain.”
Fully awake now, Evangeline let out a short laugh. “I know you just didn’t go there.” Evangeline was always amazed at how John could say half the things he said without even blinking. At the same time it was comforting to know not much had changed in his world in the few short hours hers did. It took her a long time to understand that John would continue to be a clueless John no matter how much she wished him differently.
“Okay, I deserved that.”
“Look,” Evangeline began as she sat up slowly. She put a hand up as John grabbed her arm gently to help her. “I didn’t lose my hands John.” He backed off and she started again, “Look, what I said before wasn’t a dig. Honestly I’ve come to terms with the fact I’ve been temporarily blindsided.” She paused and laughed bitterly still not believing that she was really this helpless. “But that’s not going to stop me from living.”
John didn’t find her joke humorous at all. And he saw right through it. She was hurting. His baby was hurting. “First, that’s not funny and secondly, it’s only been a day. Are you sure you’re not just trying to put on a brave face?”
“All is not lost okay? Yes it’s gone but it’s going to come back,” she said assuredly because she needed to believe it desperately that she could become whole again. She didn’t know how to live any other way. But deep down she wasn’t so sure and that doubt registered on her face because whether she knew it or not, John knew her better than he knew anybody in his world, including himself. “I didn’t lose anything that I can never get back. It’s just my sight.”
And I am wanting
And I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear
John wasn’t buying her tough girl act. He just wanted her once to lean on him and say she wasn’t okay. She needed to understand that it wasn’t a sign of weakness admitting that right now she needed someone. Needed him. He could do something with that. He could make things happen in that mode. “Yeah and that means everything to you. It’s part of your livelihood. I don’t know much about law, but I know that you need it in that courtroom. When you’re trying to make a point or get the attention of the jury. Your eyes are the window to other people’s souls. I’ve heard you say that before.”
Evangeline nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I think God was teaching me that you really can’t have it all. You can’t have a great life and not sacrifice something for all the blessings. Everything was just getting way too good for this not to happen to me.”
“Not true and you know it.” John had never heard Evangeline kick her self into the ground so hard before. Not even when she lost Kelly Buchanan’s custody case.
Evangeline could feel her self reluctantly opening up, wanting to tell someone the truth about how she felt in that exact moment. That all she wanted to do was rip her heart out to numb the pain. What was the point of feeling anything if you couldn’t see how it made you felt? And it was so hard because it was the one person she didn’t want to share her life with at all anymore. “John, I really want to be angry. Why was I in that church? Especially with you, Cris, and Natalie. Why didn’t I just leave and head to the reception like everyone else? But honestly, I think my body is just catching up to the way I feel. I have felt unfinished for a while mentally, emotionally. And now I really am incomplete.
The detective could feel his voice rising in anger. How dare she admonish herself when there was nothing for her to admonish? “What happened to you had nothing to do with anything you did. It was an accident. A horrible accident. If anyone should be blamed it should be me.”
Now it was Evangeline’s turn to be angry. She couldn’t believe his nerve sometimes. “If you dare make this about you I’ll kick you out of my room this instant. This has nothing to do with you. It’s not even remotely about you. And I’m not going to let you use my problem as another way for you to beat yourself up. I don’t manipulate people’s feelings John, least of all yours. And what kills me even more is that you know this! When is it finally going to sink in?
She would never admit it, but John knew that she was talking about Natalie and how stupid he was to fall for all of her emotional traps each and every time she set one.
“That’s not what I was trying to do.”
If John couldn’t see the light-Lord knows she tried to help him before-then that was his business, Evangeline thought. But sitting in the hospital staring at nothing but darkness suddenly brought streams of clarity and light to her current situation. It was on of those clichéd moments of irony that a person only read about in pseudo-intellectual books by post-graduate authors. “It’s what you always do John. Just when someone else is going through a rough patch, you find it a way to make it about your issues. Daddy issues, commitment issues. Issues that have nothing to do with the problem at hand and definitely not mine.”
“Evangeline, I didn’t come here to fight or dredge up the past. I just came to check on you and to see if you were okay. No matter how things went down between us, I still care. I’m still your friend.”
A few months ago the notion would have softened the attorney’s heart. But this was a new day and Evangeline had definitely seen the light on this subject. “Well, I don’t need anyone to be there for me. And don’t take this the wrong way, but least of all you.”
Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
John felt a pang of jealousy stirring in his belly as he thought about the person with whom she seemed to be with every waking moment for the past few weeks. “You seem to be leaning on Cris a lot lately. I guess he doesn’t go on the list of people who can’t help,” he said almost acerbically. He knew he was fishing for information, but he couldn’t stop himself from saying it.
There was second of confusion in hearing John’s tone about Cris. It was almost as if he was jealous. No, that couldn’t be, Evangeline thought. Why would John be jealous over her and Cris when he was happy with the emotionally retarded relationship he was currently involved in with Natalie Buchanan? It had been clear, at least to Evangeline, that the day John McBain had enlisted her to help him save Natalie from the pit the psycho killer Hayes had thrown her in he had made his choice. Even before that when he had chosen Natalie to save first when Hayes had kidnapped them both and tied to a stake to be burned she thought the message had been obvious: John was in love with Natalie. It hurt her to no end to think he had only been using her all this time because he couldn’t have Natalie. No, scratch that, wouldn’t have her. Natalie Buchanan had been throwing herself at John practically since she and John had been dating, making it clear to everyone it seemed but John that she wanted him.
Evangeline flung her flowing hair over her broad shoulders and waved off John’s implication. “Cris was there because he was there, not because he was trying to save me or protect me from the big scary.”
“Yeah right,” John said. Was she aware that no man could be in the room with all of her beauty and grace for more than a moment without absolutely falling head over heels in love with her? It crept up on a man like a lion does its prey. But when it finally hit him, there was nothing he could do about it. Evangeline Williamson had the kind of looks and the kind of brains that made a man weak in the knees, even if she couldn’t see it. And Cris was definitely smitten.
My bones call to you
In their separate skin
I make myself translucent
To let you in, for I am wanting
And I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear
Evangeline could feel the doubtful tension in the air and repeated her stanza that Cris was a non-issue. “I’m not leaning on him for anything John. I don’t have to lean on anyone to get me through anything. That wasn’t my MO last year, and it certainly isn’t now. Least of all with someone who is connected to the red mess you’ve been joined at the hip with lately.”
John was not backing down though. He had to make her understand that she had limitations now. Whether she liked it or not she had to slow down and deal with her new status. “Vange, you need to get this through your head. This is not something that you’re going to wake up from tomorrow and everything will be okay. You lost your sight. That’s a blow to you physically and it’s gotta be playing with your emotions. When are you going to admit that right now you’re not okay? And that maybe those of us who care can help.”
Evangeline shook her head in disagreement. How to make him understand that there were other things that were more important that her disability? There were pressing matters that needed to be attended to right away. She wouldn’t be the woman she was if she didn’t continue to handle those matters just as she had before she landed in the hospital. She may have wallowed more than she ever had in her entire life but she was not about to let the people she cared about who needed her, down because of one little debilitating blow.
Feeling a small headache gathering strength at the base of her head, Evangeline rubbed her temples slowly. “I can’t think about this right now John. There are a lot of people out there depending on me to get them through some tough situations. I’ve lost my sight, they might lose their life.”
“So this is about Manning?” asked a persistent John, not ready to give up on her just yet.
“Well, no, not all of it but yes, some of it,” the attorney finally admitted. “I am still Todd’s lawyer. And sitting up here contemplating whether I may or may not see my family, my beautiful car, or anything else that matters to me isn’t going to change anything. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. No, I have to get up out of this bed and plunge through this and move on.”
Even in her stubbornness toward him, John admired her strength of will. When Evangeline put her mind to something, she very rarely failed at anything. But this was different. It was not about superficial things like losing a case and dealing with it, this was something that would affect her emotionally, mentally, and physically. If she didn’t deal with it now, he was afraid of what outcome would be. John knew firsthand what happened to a person when they kept their feeling bottled up inside. “Manning can always get another lawyer. And as much as the bastard rubs me the wrong way, I know he cares about you. He would want you to worry about yourself and worry about getting better. Not worry about his case.”
There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity
“Todd is on death row and whatever he thinks is not rational,” she countered almost viciously. She still would never forgive him for not believing in Todd’s innocence. If he didn’t trust that she knew her own heart to know when someone was telling the truth, how could she even consider him as a friend? Right now, I’m the only one who believes in him that can do anything about getting this sentence turned over and I plan on setting him free. He’s an innocent man about to be condemned for life. If you can’t see that then you’re blinder than me.”
Not wanting to argue with whether Manning did it or not-they had been down that road too many times to count-, he replied, “But why do you still have to be involved Evangeline? Why can’t you just take a moment to think about yourself?”
She took a deep breath and slowly reached her hand toward her night table to drink the cup of water the nurses placed by her bed every hour and took a quick sip. Proud that she hadn’t fumbled at all she lay back on her pillow and shut her eyes. “Because all I can think about is if I were in that situation, I would hope that if someone believed in me, they would do all they could to help me. That’s what love is. That’s what friendship is John. Being there for a person when it counts the most, not when it’s the easiest.”
John tilted his head back to examine Evangeline in full. The gentle slope of her brow was knotted in frustration, her lips pursed together with determination and hands clenched by her sides.
“Wow, now you love Todd.”
“I do. I do love Todd. You know why? Because Todd may be a lot of things, but one thing he isn’t is selfish when it comes to the people he loves. He’s loyal. When you need him he’s there. If you’re in trouble he’ll go out on a limb for you. If Todd Manning considers you as one of his friends or loved ones, you have him for life. That makes you one lucky person. He may not always get it right, but he gets the love right.”
“He’s a liar,” John spewed almost bitterly. He did not understand what she saw in him as a friend, client, or anything else and it killed him that Todd Manning had a special place in her heart when he no longer did.
Evangeline tsked and rolled her eyes. “Well, he’s never lied to me. He’s had plenty of chances to do so but he always comes clean with me. It’s what you do when you trust someone.”
“Van, I-”
“I need you not say whatever it is you’re going to say because after today I just…I just don’t want to hear it anymore from you. I lost my sight, not my mind or my bullshit detector. I’m going to leave here and continue as Evangeline Janae Williamson, attorney-at-law and no one can stop me.”
There was so much John wanted to say but as always, whatever this thing was inside of him that made him halt at expressing outward emotion was buzzing in soul again. Maybe it was always a warning to back off from the people he cared about so that he wouldn’t endanger them with all of his issues. John look at Evangeline, her hands now folded in her lap, her cocked to the side in his direction, her eyes cast downward to the ground in a blank stare. And even without her sight, there was still so much feeling behind her brown orbs. Whether she could see or not, her eyes still gave away her heart to everyone she met.
“I want to tell you so much but I don’t think it would be fair right now. Not when you’re in this condition,” he finally said softly.
Evangeline gulped at the sad and sensual tone of his low raspy voice. It gnawed at her heart that he could still have an affect on her even after all that happened between them an all the time had passed. “Fair enough. Yesterday is gone, today is forgotten, but there is always tomorrow.”
John smiled and somehow Evangeline could feel it which caused her to smile a little in return. “Have a good night John.”
John rose and slowly approached her bed as if he were a disloyal knight awaiting his judgment from the queen. He bent down slowly and brushed his lips against her cheek, willing himself not smell the glorious scent of peaches that always filled his nostrils when he came near her hair.
Evangeline prayed that he would not hear or feel her pulse quicken as his lips made contact with he bruised, but warm, skin. It took everything in her not reach out for his face, even in the darkness that surrounded her she could still see his face as clearly as she saw nothing.
“I’ll be back to visit you tomorrow before I leave.”
Evangeline frowned. “Are you going somewhere?”
“I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.”
“John, I-“
“Tomorrow Van.” He would do anything he could to see her for one more day, even if meant coming back to tell her what he could have told her right there and now.
Van resigned to his position and closed her eyes. “Okay. Tomorrow then.”
“Get some rest and sleep tight,” he said softly kissing her brow once more. He knew if she had been able to see it coming she would have never allowed it.
Completely worn out from her array of emotions and still stiff from the injuries and probing of the doctors, she was almost out before he even hit the door. The broken detective turned around one last time catch a glimpse of the angel sleeping, and softly shut the door behind him.
My hands will adore you through all darkness aim
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name
For I am wanting you
And I am needing you here
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear
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