(1) The Aftermath of Profiler Profiled
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SSA Derek Morgan stood in front of the man he once thought he could trust, Carl Buford.
"Derek I never hurt you... You could have said no!"
"You know dawn right I wanted to, Carl. We both do. Except then I would have lost everything I had worked so hard for. That's the way you work, isn't it Carl? You make dawn sure theres a hell of a lot to lose" Morgan yelled. Suddenly two agents, Gordinski and his follower, appeared behind Carl and took him away, but not before he begged Morgan to help him.
"You go to hell!" Morgan said then looked away.
For a minute he hoped... But of course he was wrong. He knew Hotch and Gideon knew because they were waiting for him at the door.
He begged with his eyes for them to just let him be... He needed to be alone right now. Then he closed his eyes tight. He couldn't look at them. He heard retreating footsteps and knew they were giving him some time and space.
Derek was about to walk in the doors to the Chicago police department. Derek knew his team would be waiting for him so that they could leave and go back home to Quantico, WA.
How would his friends react to the shocking news of his abuse?
Reid would probably be uncomfortable (he never was very comfortable around victims and hurting people.) JJ and Emily would be sympathetic. Garcia would try and act normal. And finally Hotch and Gideon might want to talk, but would other wise leave it alone.
He walked in and looked around. His team was talking, but not about him.
"Thank god!" Derek thought.
Their go bags were packed and in a small pile, including Dereks.
He walk towards his team, hands in his pockets. He didn't say a word... Just stood there as the rest talked.
Then it was time to leave.
On the jet Derek sat at the very back of the plane and turned his music on full blast.
He knew Reid wanted to sit with him, but he needed some time to think.
Reid sat with Gideon. They were sitting at the front of the plane so even without headphones he wouldn't hear them, so he knew they were talking about him. Reid was probably looking for advice on how to act around him, or maybe he was voicing a concern for Dereks mental health. Emily, JJ, and Hotch sat together in the middle of the plane.
They had just landed and everyone was standing up, stretching and leaving.
Derek just sat there, staring at his feet. He didn't notice Gideon standing there until his music suddenly stopped, mid song.
Gideon stood there staring at Derek, hands in his pockets. Derek sat there staring back.
"Good work Morgan, you did a really good job. We wouldn't have solved this case if it hadn't been for you."
Gideon said, then turned to walk away.
Derek stared down at his feet again.
"But at what price?" Morgan said suddenly.
Gideon turned.
"I understand Morgan. All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. It's in the nature of secrets."
Morgan looked up and nodded, not really understanding Gideons words and not really caring either. He swallowed before saying.
"Damien wanted James to call me about Carl. James said no, he thought I wouldn't believe him when really I kinda already knew..."
Morgan looked back down.
"Derek, you can't blame yourself for what happened to James."
Morgan had never heard Gideon say his name before... at least not that he could remember.
"But I could have told! Then James would have never gotten hurt."
"You were a kid Morgan... you were scared. That's not your fault, none of this is." Then he started for the door.
Gideon was at the door by the time Morgan looked up.
"Hey Gideon?"
"Yes?" Gideon said turning.
"Thanks... for everything. It really means a lot to me."
"I know." And then he was gone.
Morgan didn't leave headquarters till really late that night. There were only a few lights on and Morgan was the only on there.
Just as Morgan was about to leave, Reid showed up.
"Hey kid." Morgan said.
"Hey." Reid said.
Morgan stood up and walked over to Reid. Morgan and Reid just stood there for a minute.
"What did you and Gideon talk about?" Morgan suddenly asked.
"What?" Reid asked.
"Come on kid, don't play dumb with me. On the plane you sat with Gideon, what did you two talk about?"
"Nothing really..." Reid said shrugging with his hands in his pocket.
"Don't lie to me Reid." Morgan said shaking his head a little.
Reid looked down at his feet and swallowed.
"We talked about you." Reid said looking up.
"What about me, Reid?"
Reid swallowed again and looked away.
"We talked about how none of... how none of us knew."
It took a moment for Morgan to answer.
"Nobody knew Reid." Morgan said quietly, shaking his head and turned to walk away.
"Morgan! Can... can I ask you something?"
Morgan stopped and turned his head to the side. "You know you can Reid."
"I guess I was wondering... Do you ever... Do you ever have nightmares?" Reid asked pressing his lips together.
Morgan sighed.
"All the time Reid."
Then he walked away.
When Morgan got home he dropped his bag at the front door and immediately went to his liquor cabinet.
He poured a glass of whiskey... something he never drank because it was what Carl gave him to get him drunk.
He then passed out on the couch.
Morgan was woken up by someone knocking at the door. On his way to open it he checked the time, eleven twenty-eight AM.
Morgan opened the door. It was Garcia.
"What are you doing here, baby girl?"
"Morgan why didn't you tell me?!"
Garcia demanded.
Morgan sighed and closed his eyes.
"I didn't tell anyone, Garcia."
He said quietly. Then he opened his eyes.
Garcia put her arms around Morgan and squeezed. Morgan wrapped his arms around her.
Garcia murmured something. Morgan pushed her slightly back.
"What was that?"
"I said why didn't you tell anyone?"
Morgan hugged her again.
"I don't know baby girl... I don't know."
And for the first time in a very long time Morgans eyes filled with tears.
It was Monday, and the team had a case so Morgan had to wake up early. Garcia had left pretty late last night. But after Garcia asked him why he never told anyone she didn't ask him anymore. They hung out, watched movies, ate, laughed. Just like they usually would have except, Garcia had never hung out with Morgan outside of work before...
"Hey Morgan. How was your weekend?"
JJ asked him.
Morgan shrugged.
"Garcia and I hung out..." He said smiling.
JJ frowned.
"You and Garcia hung out? What'd you two do?"
Morgan still smiling shrugged.
"You know me... I never kiss and tell."
Garcia, who was walking by, laughed.
"In my dreams, honey!"
JJ laughed, shook her head, and walked away.
"Okay team... Grab your go bags. Wheels up in five..." Hotch said rushing out of the room.
They were about to go to Houston, Texas to profile a killer who'd already killed fifteen people in the last five months.
Morgan sighed.
The only one still in the room with him was Gideon.
"You okay?" Gideon asked.
"Hmmm? Oh yeah." Morgan said picking up his jacket.
"You sure? If you're not ready..."
Morgan stopped him.
"Really Gideon I'm fine."
"Because you can stay behind with Garcia..."
"Nope... Like I said, I'm fine."
"Okay." Then they both left the briefing room to go grab there stuff so that they could leave on time.
Today Morgan sat in the middle of the plane with everyone else. It was a six hour flight so Morgan decided it'd be a good idea to catch up on his sleep. But just as he was getting comfy, Hotch taped him on the shoulder.
"Morgan can I talk to you, over there?" Hotch asked, pointing to the back of the jet.
Morgan sighed. This was what he was afraid of.
"Yeah..." Morgan said cautiously.
He followed Hotch to the back of the jet and sat down.
"Hotch... What is it?" Morgan asked, although he already knew.
"Are you okay? Gideon said..."
Morgan stopped him there.
"With all due respect Hotch, I'm fine. Gideon doesn't think so but..."
"Morgan, Gideon told me about the conversation you two had on the plane."
Morgan closed his eyes and put his face in one of his hands.
"He said you blamed yourself for what happened to James."
"Can you blame me? I didn't tell and because I didn't tell, James got hurt!"
Morgan said raising his head and his voice.
"Derek..." Hotch said putting his hand on Morgans shoulder.
Morgan closed his eyes tight.
"Reid said..."
"That I was having nightmares? I know." Morgan finished.
"Morgan if that's true... maybe we could get you some help."
"Are you kidding me?!" Morgan said raising his head.
"Hotch you're only saying that because you A) found out I was..." Morgan swallowed. "You found out about my past and B) because you think I'm lying about being fine! Hotch, I just want you all to treat me like you always have. I've dealt with this for about nineteen years. I'm fine."
Morgan said quietly staring Hotch in the eyes.
Hotch nodded.
"Okay. If you ever want to talk..."
"I know." Morgan said quietly.
Hotch got up and walked away. Morgan sat there for the rest of the flight.
It was three days into the case and the team had just delivered the profile.
Morgan was now sitting alone in one of the Houston police departments briefing rooms finishing up paperwork when Reid knocked at the door.
"Hey."
Morgan looked up.
"Oh, hey kid. What 'cha doing?"
"Oh nothing much, just Uh, looking around."
"You're checking up on me, aren't you?"
"In my defense, Hotch told me to."
Morgan nodded.
"You know, before any of this started, nobody would have 'checked up' on me."
"By 'before any of this started' you really mean before any of us knew, right."
Morgan sighed.
"Yeah kid. Yeah I do."
"You know I get it. We all do. You want things to be what you consider 'normal' but our humanly instincts are telling us that you need comfort."
Morgan smiled, relaxed his mouth, then sighed.
"I know. But I don't."
"You keep hearing this but, are you okay? And please tell me the truth."
Morgan looked down and swallowed. Reid should know the truth.
"Y- you know what, no. No I'm not."
"There's an answer I believe..."
"I never wanted you guys to know... I never wanted anyone to know."
"You were ashamed. Scared even. You know eighty seven percent of sexual abuse vic-"
"Don't say it Reid!" Morgan interrupted.
"I know what it is... And I know I'm a victim of it. You don't need to tell me that."
Reid swallowed and looked away.
Morgan closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry Reid..." Morgan said opening his eyes and shaking his head.
"Don't... It's okay Morgan. I understand.
No... victim, for lack of better word, wants to be labeled a victim."
"I know Reid... I know."
"Morgan."
Reid hesitated.
"What? Just tell me, pretty boy."
Reid swallowed and blinked a few times. Then he shook his head.
"Never mind." He turned to leave but Morgan caught his arm.
He starred at Reid for a minute.
"Reid... please." Morgan begged.
Reid sighed.
"If you ever want to talk... I'm here." Reid said softly, avoiding eye contact.
Morgan blinked.
"Actually Reid... I'd like that. I need to tell someone. I should tell someone. I want to tell someone. That someone, should be my best friend. That someone, should be you."
"Really? What about Hotch... Or Gideon?"
"Reid... I look to them for advice. I look to you as a friend. My best friend. Plus, they'll want to 'help' me. You won't."
Reid smiled.
"I should probably get back to work.." Morgan said letting go of Reids arm and turning away.
"Morgan?"
"Yeah?" Morgan asked turning back to Reid.
"Thanks."
Morgan frowned.
"For what?"
"For letting me in. For telling me the truth. And for calling me your best friend."
That didn't sound like Reid... but it didn't matter.
"You're welcome kid."
It had been a long week but now Morgan and the BAU team were back in Quantico. Morgan was in the break room getting some coffee when Hotch came up behind him.
"I heard you and Reid talked..."
Morgan couldn't help smiling. Of course he heard, he told Reid to check up on him!
"Yeah... thanks."
Hotch frowned.
"For what?"
"Like you don't know. You sent Reid to check up on me. Remember?"
"No I didn't." Hotch said looking confused.
"You didn't?" Morgan frowned.
"No. After you told me you want life to go back to normal, I decided you were right."
"Wait. So then pretty boy over there tricked me?" Morgan said pointing at Reid, who was sitting at his desk.
Hotch smiled.
"Looks that way..."
With that he walked away.
Morgan smiled and couldn't help but laugh a little.
"Hey, kid."
Morgan said approaching Reid.
Reid frowned slightly.
"Yes?"
"How about getting a drink with me after work?"
Morgan said, now leaning on Reids desk.
"Uhh... Sure. Sounds great."
Reid smiled.
"Cool."
Morgan said dipping his head slightly and looking at the ground.
"Is there something else?"
"Yeah. Thanks kid."
Then Morgan walked away.
"For what?!" Reid called after him.
Morgan shook his head and couldn't help laughing.
Ever since Reid and his conversation in Houston, Morgan had felt better, like he could actually talk to someone and not get a remark back that made him feel like he was lying.
"So..." Reid said.
They were at a bar called "The Cat Carriage," one of Morgans favorite bars.
Morgan shook his head laughing.
"What's funny?" Reid asked looking around.
"You."
Reid frowned.
"Me? Why?"
"Because you tricked me!"
Morgan said pointing at Reid.
Reids eyes got wide.
"When?"
"Our conversation in Houston, you said Hotch sent you to check up on me but when I asked Hotch about it he said that he never sent anyone to check on me."
Reid shrugged. "Hotch is lying..."
"No kid... You're lying. You tricked me!"
Reid frowned. "Are you mad?"
"Do I look mad? Reid there's something you should know..."
"What is it?"
Morgan swallowed and took a breath before saying:
"I've never said so much about it until our conversation. And ever since that conversation I've felt..."Morgan pressed his lips together.
"Great. Just great."
Reid looked away and blinked a few times. He nodded and look up,
"Glad to hear."
"We should probably get outta here. Want to go back to my place?
Reid nodded. "Sure."
Morgan had just unlocked the door to his house when Morgans dog suddenly appeared. Both Morgan and Reid petted him.
"Who feeds him while you're gone?"
Reid asked.
"One of my neighbors."
Morgan said walking away.
Even though he couldn't see, Reid nodded to Morgans answer.
Reid heard Morgan settle himself in the living room, so he followed.
Morgan sighed as he turned on the tv.
"What?" Reid asked.
"Does something need to be wrong for me to sigh?" Morgan asked, smiling.
"Not nessisarly but generally when someone sighs it's either one of relief, sadness, anger, or exhaustion. See the brain needs to show it's emotions either by facial expressions, noises, physical reactions, or a series of sighs and blinking patterns. But for the most part it's generally not noticed. Although facial expressions, sighs, physical reactions and noises are usually noticed."
"So... No?"
Reid swallowed.
"No."
"Reid do you enjoy telling boring facts?"
"They're not boring they're just generally useless and yes, quite so."
Morgan gave a short snort.
Reid frowned slightly.
"Did you really mean it when you said you felt great after our talk?"
Reid asked.
Morgan looked up from the tv and at Reid.
"Yeah. I did."
Reid nodded.
"You know my...Uh... offer is still valid..."
Reid said biting his bottom lip.
Morgan swallowed and nodded.
"I know..."
Reid nodded.
"Reid. Why are you doing this?"
Reid frowned.
"I'm sorry?"
"See most people shy away from stories like mine, but you... you involved yourself and gave me an offer of your ear....Why?"
Reid searched around for a moment for an answer and when he found it, swallowed.
"I guess it's just I knew you needed a listener and I knew nobody else would offer except maybe Hotch or Gideon but they'd want to help you in a way they think would altar you. I wouldn't."
Morgan nodded.
"Can I ask you a question?"
Morgan raised his eyebrows.
"Always, pretty boy."
"You said that nobody knew until now. Does that mean that your Mother and Sisters don't know?"
Morgans gaze dropped.
"No. Nobody, Reid."
Reid nodded.
"Must've been hard... How often were you alone with Carl Buford?"
Morgan flinched slightly at Carls name. Morgan answered but his gaze was still dropped.
"He was like a father to me. We went camping, fishing." Morgan shrugged.
"Everyday, all the time."
Reid nodded.
"What happened, when you went camping? Was it tent camping?"
Reid pressed.
Morgan shook his head.
"Naw. Carl owned a cabin by the lake. When I went there he let me sit and drink with him, until I was drunk. He helped me undress and told me to jump into the lake without my swimsuit. You gotta know Reid, I didn't want to.
After that, when I went to bed he slept next to me. At first I didn't understand what was happening. I was scared, Reid. Terrified. But.... I didn't want anyone to know. I was..." Morgan shrugged. "Ashamed."
Morgan took a deep breath and shut his eyes tight. Telling Reid everything, it was hard. To let Reid in. But Reid was also his friend...
"He hurt me, Reid. He hurt me and there was nothing I could do! And because I was afraid of him and losing everything I had gained, I never told."
Morgan opened his eyes and looked at Reid.
Reids expression was a mixture of soberness, worry, slight empathy, and a frown, like he was deep in thought. After a moment he said:
"Morgan, I can see, quite clearly, that you blame yourself... But it's not your fault. It's Carls."
Morgan closed his eyes again and soon drifted off to sleep.
Was Reid right? He couldn't tell.
Morgan had had this dream many times before. He was a kid and he had to choose between college and Carls abuse and not getting into college, becoming a gang member, and possibly becoming a drug addict and going to jail. He usually woke up screaming. Why should tonight be any different?
Morgan woke up on his couch, drenched in sweat, and screaming.
"Morgan it's okay! It's Reid, it was just a dream!" Reid said loudly from beside Morgan. Reid squeezed his arm.
Morgan closed his eyes, took a long deep breath, and calmed down.
"Morgan... are you okay?
Morgan, who's eyes were still closed, nodded.
When Morgan woke up it was nearly Eleven. He could hear Reid in the kitchen. When he stood up he got dizzy and it took him a moment to regain his balance. He then walked to the kitchen.
Morgan took one look at Reid and laughed.
"You look like you haven't slept."
"Well... I haven't." Reid said looking up from the coffee he was pouring.
Morgan frowned.
"Why not?" Morgan pressed.
"Because you've been having nightmares
and they're at least three times worse then you pawned them off to be!"
Morgans frown deepened and it took him a minute to answer.
"How would you know that?" Morgan asked quietly.
Reid sighed and looked away.
"You fell asleep after we talked and the woke up several times screaming."
Morgan was shocked. He didn't remember this happening.
"So... How does that explain to you my dreams are getting worse?"
"It doesn't... You just told me." Reid said taking a drink of his coffee.
"What are you talk about Reid? No I didn't."
"You just said 'how does that explain to you that my dreams are getting worse.' and we both know that's not a question but a form of statement."
After a few minutes of silence Morgan said:
"But that doesn't explain why you didn't get any sleep."
"Right... Don't be mad but I was monitoring you. You kept waking up screaming but you were never fully awake. You were just in a sleep stage were you can hear and understand everything that's going on around you, you might even open you eyes, and you can respond but you're not actually awake."
"Hmmm... I'm not mad."
"Okay. You woke up once, I asked you if you were okay and you said yes."
Morgan nodded. "I remember."
That night Reid went home to get some sleep but made Morgan promise to call him if he woke up from a nightmare or if the nightmare changed.
"Why?" Morgan had asked.
"Because I'm trying to see just how bad your nightmares are..."
Morgan sighed.
"Fine."
"Thank you." He said. And then he left.
That night Morgan was afraid to fall asleep, afraid to have the nightmare again.
He knew he could call Reid at anytime and tell him about his nightmare, but he was afraid to.
Why was he afraid? He didn't know.
After over three hours of trying to fall asleep Morgan finally gave up and called Reid.
"Mmmm... Hello?" Reid said sleepily.
"Hey."
"Morgan? Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah I just... I can't fall asleep."
"Why not?"
Morgan swallowed.
"I'm... I'm afraid to."
Morgan confessed quietly.
"Why?"
"I'm afraid of having the nightmare again." He said so quietly he thought perhaps Reid hadn't heard him because there were a few moments of silence.
Finally Reid spoke.
"What is it you dream about, Morgan?" Reid said slowly.
Morgan closed his eyes.
"I'm a kid, and I have to choose between getting hurt and making something of myself... and not doing anything with my life. I guess I'm scared because I feel like I chose wrong."
Reid was quiet, but Morgan could hear his soft breathing.
"You didn't choose wrong though..."
Still, Morgan wasn't so sure.
They said goodbye and Morgan hung up.
"Morgan? Depressed? You must be mistaken." Hotch said to Reid frowning.
"Well from what I've observed... Face it Hotch, he's having nightmares, he's in pain... He's depressed."
"What can we do for him?" Hotch asked.
"Give him some room. Be patient. I'm helping him deal and work through his dreams... but there's not much else I or we can do."
Hotch frowned, and then nodded.
"Okay..."
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FIVE MONTHS LATER
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Morgan and the BAU team were on a plane to New York when Morgan got a text from James who had testified at Carls trial.
JAMES: He got convicted eight counts of sexual abuse and three counts of murder. Prison sentence fourteen years.
Morgans eyes widened.
"Reid!"
Reid looked up.
"Yeah?"
Morgan smiled.
"Fourteen years."
That's all he had to say.
Reid smiled. They hugged.
"Thanks kid."
Morgan whispered.
Morgan never had the nightmare again. He knew he had made the right choice and he finally understood Gideons quote:
"All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. Thats the nature of secrets."
-Cory Doctorow
The Aftermath of Profiler Profiled by CMFANS2E12
Story Note:
I hope you enjoy and please review and comment!
Endnotes: Please review, comment, etc!