I know that a woman’s duty
Is to help and love her man
And that’s the way it was planned
Oh, but how can I, how can I, how can I
Give you everything I have
If you’re tying both of my hands
Oh it ain't no way
It ain't no way
It just ain't no way baby
Ain't no way baby
It ain't no way for me to love you
If you won't let me
As Evangeline Williamson sang her little sister to sleep, she couldn’t help but think about how the words to the song she was singing mirrored her relationship with John McBain. She had spent a year of her life trying to convince him that he was good enough to be loved, until his insecurities fed into habits that began to hurt her. Up until a few weeks ago, Evangeline had felt that it was okay to assume that John loved her.
‘And we all know what happens when we assume,’ Evangeline thought to herself with a wry smile. In her heart of hearts, she knew that John really did love her, but what was the point of the sentiment if there were no words. Even many of John’s actions of late weren’t pointing to him loving her and only her. And she wasn’t about to be second place in anyone’s heart, no matter how much she loved them.
And boy did she love John McBain. That was the only reason why she used to put up with half of his crap. But maybe it was because of some of his crap that she loved him. The cute stuff at least. Like his refusal to ever put the cap back on the toothpaste or his tendency to talk with his mouth full of food.
Evangeline sat back in the couch and threw her head back, closing her eyes. For the first time in her life, she had no idea what she was going to do. Her father was right when he told her that love was the hardest and the easiest thing in the world. When she and John were happy, and alone, and undisturbed by the world around them, being with each other felt so easy. Evangeline could spend the whole weekend wearing sweats curled up in the warm circle of John’s arms and watching movies. But when the rest of the world, namely Natalie interfered, it was hard for them to spend any time together without arguing.
‘What am I supposed to do? If I stay away from John, I may never fall in love again. There’s no way for me to love any one the way I love John. But if I go to him, we’ll fall back into the same pattern again. The pain of both is..’
Sitting up, Evangeline remember something that her mother once said and knew exactly what she had to do. Fixing the blanket over Layla, Evangeline got out of the couch, pulled on her sneakers in front of the door and grabbed her green leather jacket from the hall closet before leaving her apartment.
*Meanwhile at Llanview Hospital*
John sat in Natalie’s hospital room, holding her hand as he slept and wondering what the hell he was doing. He knew that all he was doing was using Natalie, using her as a replacement for who he wanted, who he needed. Evangeline. But no amount of pretending could make Natalie anything like Evangeline. Natalie was good looking enough, but she didn’t carry herself with the same confidence as Evangeline. And to John, that was one of the sexiest and most endearing things about Evangeline. That and her incredible tenacity, not to mention her wit and her ability to find something good in even the lowest of people. Whenever John listed all the good things about her, he always ended up feeling unworthy of her.
Which was why when Evangeline broke up with him, it broke his heart. But he knew that more than it broke his heart, it broke Evangeline’s because she wanted to be with him more than anything. Even though she could have any man that she wanted in Llanview, she chose John, and that never ceased to amaze him. She chose him with all of his demons and short-comings, coming into a dark world and making it light with her bright smiles and laughter. And Natalie. The only thing that she ever did for him was take and take. But she needed him to protect her, and Evangeline never acted like she needed him at all.
‘Who the hell am I trying to fool? She made my life worth living,’ John thought to himself, remembering all the times that Evangeline would stop by the station bearing a smile, a kiss and takeout. Those random visits on her way to court, or instead of going out to lunch with friends made John feel for the first time in a long time that he was loved. And that was being needed enough for him. Or it should have been.
John wished that Evangeline knew how much he loved her. How much he still does. How every night he looks through all the pictures that he has of the two of them together and he cries for what could have been. What should have been, if only he hadn’t stubbornly insisted on pushing her away. Who the hell was he to decide who Evangeline loved and who she didn’t. What he should have done was accept her love, and give her the same love and respect back.
A light knock at the door pulled John out of his thoughts. He looked up to see a smiling nurse stepping into the room. Standing, John pulled his hand gently away from Natalie’s and smiled back at the nurse.
“Sorry, I’ll get out of your way.”
“You two looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to disturb you. Are you married?”
John resisted the urge to laugh, because it really wasn’t that funny. It was sad actually, the only woman other than Caitlin that he would have considered marrying was Evangeline, but no one would assume that, because in retrospect, he didn’t always treat her that way.
“No, she’s just a friend.”
“Well in that case, visiting hours are over for friends. But you can come back bright and early to see her.”
“Thank you.” John walked out of the room, and was shocked to see Evangeline sitting in the waiting area, in her...pajama pants? Slowly, he made his way over to her.
“Hey.”
“Is for horses,” she answers absentmindedly.
“Excuse me?”
“Sorry, I was just thinking about my mother.”
John smiled. “What are you doing here? In pajamas at that.”
Evangeline looks down at her legs and blushes. “I needed to talk to you, John. How is she?”
“She’s sleeping. You said that you wanted to talk, you want to go somewhere, get a cup of coffee?”
She laughs slightly. “I want to be able to sleep tonight.”
“Or we could get chamomile tea with honey.”
Evangeline smiled and stood calmly, though inside, she was giddy with the knowledge that John had even noticed that chamomile tea sweetened with honey was what she drank when she couldn’t sleep.
“That sounds good.”
Minutes later, they were sitting in their favourite booth at Carlotta’s diner, Evangeline picking at a piece of toast, and John devouring a cheeseburger.
“Don’t take this the wrong way Evangeline, but you haven’t exactly wanted to spend very much time with me, expectedly. So I’m a bit confused as to why you came to find me.”
He smiled slightly as Evangeline snagged a french fry from his plate before answering. She didn’t eat it, just stared at it in her hand.
“I was singing with Layla today. I haven’t sung in weeks. Since we broke up.”
Evangeline refused to meet John’s eyes, which he was glad for, because tears sprung into his eyes at her admission. Evangeline was constantly singing when they were together. It was one of the things he missed the most about her, waking up in the morning to hear her singing over the noise of the shower.
“I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Don’t say anything. I was singing and I was thinking of you and funny enough it was the happiest I’d been in a while. Which is saying something.”
“I guess I deserve to hear this. After all, it is my fault.”
Evangeline smirks slightly and shakes her head. “I’m not trying to punish you. The fact is that I love you. More than I should. And it hurts me watching you run around driving yourself insane because you think that everything that has happened is your fault. Don’t try to tell me that you don’t blame yourself; I know you.”
John closes his eyes momentarily and takes a deep breath. “You think I blame myself for you and Natalie being kidnapped? I do. A lot. Because if I hadn’t been making it seem as if my affections were divided, Hayes would never have kidnapped either of you.”
“Did I ever tell you why my parents divorced?”
Surprised by the sudden change in the direction of the conversation, John silently shook his head no.
“Mom and Dad had been having a lot of problems. They were constantly arguing over the stupidest things, like what we would eat for dinner and what time my curfew should be. It wasn’t until years later that Mom told me that she suspected that Dad was having an affair. Apparently, he didn’t do that well a job of denying it. Mom told him that if he was in fact having an affair, he could end it and they would go to marriage counseling and try to work it out. Well Dad claimed that he ended it, until he was found in a very compromising position with a teacher at the same school that he and Mom worked at. Dad was fired, and Mom was so humiliated that she quit soon after. And she filed for divorce. All those years, I only knew one half of the story, so I sided with Dad. As hurt as she was, Mom held her tongue. She never would have told me, except that I asked her a few years ago.”
“Why are you telling me this Evangeline?”
“I’m supposed to be the impatient one. Let me finish talking. I asked Mom why she was willing to give Daddy a chance even though she knew that he was cheating on her. You know what she said?”
“She loved him?”
“Partially. She said that when you love a man, but your relationship isn’t working, it’s a woman’s duty to try to make it work the best it can, because men would always say that there was nothing wrong. I don’t exactly agree with that. But sometimes it is necessary for a woman to put her heart on the line, if she wants love with someone special. You’re my someone special John, because I’m never going to love anyone else the way I love you. Most of the time, I believe that you feel the same way about me. And when I believe in someone, I fight to win.”
John watches Evangeline with conflicting emotions. He wasn’t sure what she meant by that, and he was almost scared to ask. But being scared was what had them in this current predicament, and he wanted to do anything to get them out of it.
“What do you mean by that?”
“John if there’s a chance that we can be together, then we should be together. But not the way we were before. We have to talk about things, even when we don’t want to. And we can’t end every argument we have in bed. And you have to get over your guilt about Natalie. Your relationship is unhealthy for the both of you.”
“Well you’re still as bossy as ever.”
Evangeline sits back in her seat, with her arms crossed and lets out a low sigh. “I just spilled my guts to you and all you can do is call me bossy?”
“And you talk too much sometimes.”
“You really are a jerk.”
“And you jump to conclusions. And you’re stubborn and hardheaded. But you’re also beautiful. And funny, sweet, smart, incredibly sexy, and I love you. For all that and more.”
“Excuse me?”
John smiles brightly and takes Evangeline’s hand in his. “I mean it. I’m tired of pushing you away, and pretending that I don’t need you. Or that I don’t love you. Because I do, and I have loved you all these months, but I was scared to tell you. For reasons unexplainable to myself even. But just as you were thinking about something that your mother told you, I was thinking about something my mother told me.”
Wide-eyed and slack jawed with shock, Evangeline barely manages to whisper, “What?”
“With love and God, all things are possible.”
“Your mother is a smart woman.”
“So are we good?”
Evangeline smiled to herself, thinking about the fact that John McBain was quite possible the only man in the world who would sum up getting back together with the love of your life as being good. They had a lot of things to work out, and it was impossible to think that they could just start over as if nothing had happened. There was a lot of heartache to sort through, but it would be much easier for them to sort through it together.
Laughing slightly, Evangeline squeezed John’s hand.
“Yeah we’re good.”
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