As I walked through the door almost didn’t recognize you. Your hair that was once long and straight is now a riotous mess. Your eyes were always a lovable baby blue that had a hypnotic calming tone to in them, now you have them closed so I can’t view them anymore. Oh how I wish you would just open them for me. You have this angry, yet proud grin of an Irish warrior that you wear, but now it was worn down into to an unfamiliar mellow frown.
I want to hold you, feel you heart next to mine, smell hair, but I was suddenly afraid to embrace the shadow of the man before me. Instead I waited for that weary façade to wash away to reveal my handsome Irish Prince again to me the one that is powerful enough to slay my dragons and free me from this chaotic, fractured life I was trying to run away from now. I would give anything to enter that secret world that has you in prisoned in your mind.
I can’t understand why this has happen to us?
Why are you trying to leave us?
Do you know that you are wanted here on this earth?
I love you Dammit!!! Don’t do this to me!! To us. It was to heart wrenching for me to watch them wheel you in on a gurney half dead with blood soaking through your clothing. Twice your heart stopped on that operating table, thinking you were dead; I died those two times with you. We are bound together in such away that no one will ever understand. Hell we barely understand it ourselves. You can’t leave us. If you die baby, I die with you. Maybe not today but a piece of me will die each day I’m without you until there is no more of me. How can I raise our boys without you? I’m not Eve. I can’t they look and act too much like you.
I have to have faith. Is that what you are trying to tell me? Is that why my heart won’t let you go? I know you won’t leave me here to battle these demons all alone, not with these weary strangers and family members who don’t look like they can save themselves. I hate this.
WHY DON’T YOU WAKE UP!!!!!!
TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME!!!
PLEASE…PLEASE...BABY!!!
Just wake up. I promise not to be mad at you for making me think that things are over between us. You promised me you would never leave me again. Don’t you dare go back on your word, Dammit!!! You have to fight, fight for us, and fight to have a life with your sons. They need you, hell I need you. It’s suppose to be us against the world remember? I saw you last night in my dream; let me tell you about it.
She leaned forward carefully not touching him or any of the tubes that he was hooked up to. Leaving a few centimeters between her lips and his ear she whispered to him.
“One night I had a dream. I dreamed that you were walking along the beach with me. Across the sky flashed scenes from our life. For each scene I noticed two sets of foot prints in the sand; one belonging to me and the other to you.
When the last scene of our life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along that path of our life there was only one set of footprints. I also noticed that it happened at the saddest times in our life.
This really bothered me, so I turned to you and questioned you about it. You said that once I decided to take that leap of faith with you that you’d walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in our life together. There were only one set of footprints. I didn’t understand why when I needed you the most you would leave me. Then you said to “Baby, I love you. During those times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints in the sand it was then baby that I carried you.” I didn’t understand until I came back in here to be with you what you were trying to tell me, but I do now.”
“Evangeline, it time for you to make a decision?” They doctors said, but she ignored them as she laid trapped in her thoughts. She twirled her gold cross that he had given her on there 6 months anniversary when they were dating. As she hovered over him barely touching him at all she kissed him gently on his cheek. Still afraid to kiss him the way she would normally do.
“Not today” Evangeline, decided at the last possible moment, that day she couldn’t do it. It wasn’t time. It wasn’t time to pull the plug to his ventilation system that helped him to breath. “Soon, my love” She whispered knowing that he still needed it and soon he would return to her and wouldn’t need the machine to breath anymore.
Her Husband John McBain, devoted husband, loving son, admired father, and a loyal brother. 30 years old, a man of few words but a poet when he spoke of his love for her, a gift lover, hopeless addict to Philly Eagles football team and dancing, politically inclined toward the harmless radical, too soft hearted to ignore a po’ beggar, and the most sterling soul she had ever known. Her best friend, confident, and her refuge and save haven. That was her husband John.
She stood there staring at his unemotional expressionless his face lost in her thoughts. “I’m going to sit down” she said to no one in particular as she almost hit the floor as she missed the chair. She felt hands grabbing her and propping her under her arms trying to pull her up to stop her from falling. She needed to get some air everyone thought. She had lost touched with herself they said, all because she had been his side now for a week straight. Refusing to go home. While the boys stayed with their aunt Layla and uncle Tony.
Then it struck her. Suddenly she remembered the video tape of the family that he was working to put on DVD. Now she was glad that they had taped so many moments together. The video tape was all she could think about sitting in that hospital room oblivious to everyone that was coming and going in and out of his room. Evangeline couldn’t wait to get home to her be with her husband, seeing how she couldn’t be with him now not with him like that. She needed to feel close to him.
“I think she’s taking too many of those pills.”
“Her doctor prescribed them, Mami, so stop acting like she’s some kind of junkie. She needs them. You weren’t here when they brought John in with four bullets holes in his chest. She almost went mad with grief. I’d never seen her like that. I’m worried about her.”
Layla and her mother sounded like they were trying to keep their voice down as they spoke in her room, but they weren’t quite enough. Evangeline guessed that were standing close to the wall in her closet. She heard them rearranging some things. She figured it was her mother trying to push John’s things to the back of the closet out of sight; as if hiding his belongings would help her prepare for the worse to happen.
She wanted to scream at them and tell them to get the hell out of their bedroom as I changed into his LVPD T-shirt. They just couldn’t understand that she needed to see his things. They meant well she tried to tell her self. Her mother expected her to except John’s likely demise, but she couldn’t. She wouldn’t; her heart wouldn’t allow it. She knew she had to find the strength to fight for the both of them. This time it was her turn to carry him. She found the tape he was working on putting together in his nightstand drawer.
When every one had finally left her alone her rewind the tape then started to play it. It was of them as they drove past the 1st apartment of there youth. In the dingy window there was a for rent sign decorated with white lights.
“I guess there too busy saving the world to do any housework.” You laughed so hard and long.
I closed my eyes, forcing back tears and remembered the last time we made love there. As we turned down the street of our yesterday. I watched you took in the trees, the buildings where we last shared our lives as boyfriend and girlfriend before our marriage.
Why do I feel rejected and resentment as I lay here in our bed the place where we consummate our love each night? The place where we conceived our two boys in. I lay here in disillusionment. Am I wrong for wanting my yesterday with you? I don’t want to spend my days without you. I cried until I fall asleep hugging your pillow trying to make some sense out of this chaotic situation. I love you McBain. You have to return to me.
To be continued……
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