The door was wide open and the closer he got, the louder the sobbing became. Solemnly, he brought his jacket closer to him and then stuffed his hands in his pants pockets.
He cleared his throat loudly to let the person in the room know someone was there and then he knocked on the open door.
Lisa Williamson turned, her eyes red and bloodshot. Tears still ran from her face and for the first time since John met her, she didn’t look put together. Her clothes were disheveled, her hair a mess and make up scary.
“Jo-John…how are you?” Lisa asked surprised to see him and she tried her best to appear in control when she was anything but. She wiped at her face and ran a hand through her hair but it was futile.
“I’ve been better, to be honest” he forced his eyes to stay on hers and not to the woman that was lying on the bed. Lifeless. Unconscious.
She gingerly passed her hand down the unwrinkled sheets and nodded. “Haven’t we all?” She went back to looking at her first child, her baby. More tears leaked form her eyes as the situation hit her once more.
John came more into the room and then finally when he could no longer put it off, gazed at the woman he thought would always be there. “Evangeline” he whispered softly. She didn’t look like she was unconscious, that according to the doctors, she would never wake up.
“She looks like she’s sleeping, don’t she?” Lisa said while fondly holding her daughter’s hand. “Just like an angel.” More tears fell. She couldn’t stop crying or praying whenever she looked at her. “It’s just not fair.”
“Yeah,” he agreed. They didn’t say much else as they just looked at her. It was comforting to be near Lisa, John realize. Evangeline had looked up to her so much, tback when they were together hey would spend hours just talking about their mothers.
They were both raised by strong women, who didn’t let the situation they were in bring them down nor affect their two children. There may have been times he didn’t like Lisa very much but he would always love her. She gave him Evangeline.
“You want to be alone with her.” She stated rather then asked. She folded her arms under her chest while she regarded him.
John gulped; this was the woman he recognized. Even a wreck she was still a formidable woman. “I ah hope its okay. Me stopping by. I probably should have called first but ah I-“
“Its okay,” Lisa said effectively shocking him which brought a wary smile to her lips. “I don’t like you but my daughter did. Very much so.”
Feeling uncomfortable where this was going, John shifted his feet. “For the record…I liked her very much too.”
She tsked. “Too bad you didn’t love her.” seeing the wounded look come on his face before he could masked it, she sighed. “I’m sorry”I had no right. I I just need some coffee. You’ll stay?”
“Of course.”
As she walked by him. she patted his arm in comfort, “I’ll take as long as I can. I should probably call Clay anyway.”
John nodded his thanks. “Tell him I say hi.”
“Will do.” She said while closing the door after her.
“Hey,” John said softly as he gently sat on the bed and took her hand in his. He moved his thumb back and forth over the softness of her skin. “You got pretty banged up didn’t you?”
He touched her face, and stoked her hair. “If all you wanted was attention, you could have just called.” He sighed, and brought her hand to his lips. “I never expected this, you know?”
“When I got the call, it’s like the world stopped.” he forcibly laughed, embarrassed to be admitting as much. “I always thought there would be time….time to tell you…..everything.”
He stood up and began to pace, “Tell you what? I don’t know. Just everything and anything. That’s all you wanted right?” he stopped and he waited for her to answer, prayed that she would. “You just wanted me to talk. To you.”
“I miss hearing your voice. I miss the way you would uplift me by just being there.” He sniffled. “I ah can’t even drink coffee without thinking of you.” He laughed, “Do you remember all the bad coffee we drank together? Gosh they were awful and yet drinking it with you made it the best damn coffee I ever had.”
He smiled as another old memory came to the forefront of his mind. “Remember that time in my office when you dropped the sugar pockets?” He chuckled, “I was going to kiss you and you know what? That was all I could think about as I asked you if you wanted cream or sugar with your coffee.”
He paced some more, another memory coming to mind, which again brought a smile to his lips. “Do you remember when you asked me, ‘what do you have with your coffee for dinner?’" He chuckled. "You were always so direct. You asked me out even when you werent sure we should even be dating."
"you were fearless...like Wonder Woman." He stopped for a moment, "I remember what I said to your question, I said “I go all out. Cream and sugar.”
He cringed. “That was cheesy. I can’t believe I said that.” He stopped at the foot of her hospital bed, her color a bit pale then usual but overall she was flawless. “How do you do it?” he asked amazed while resting his hands on her unmoving legs.
“How is it that after being in an accident, hooked up to all kinds of machine and you still look like the most beautiful woman in the world?” He sighed, not knowing what to say or why he was even here.
That’s not true, he knew why he was here. He had to see her for himself. Had to see.... had to see…he choked on a sob and put his hand over his mouth. This wouldn’t do, crying or rather wanting to. He knew that by now.
Wanting to take his mind off of her lying in that bed, he decided to relive the memories of them. “We had other things beside coffee. But you know that don’t you?” he sighed and sat down on her bed again and begun toying with her hair. “I always liked your hair…did I ever tell you that? It was always so soft and smelled of lavender.”
He rubbed a nice chunk of hair between his thumb and forefinger. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” he admitted, his voice tight. “I‘m not good with words….but that’s not the truth.”
“The truth is I was afraid. Am afraid. Of you. You were always so sure and confident about us and I didn’t believe in that. All I knew was that I couldn’t lose you and believing in you was the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”
He released her hair to stroke the side of her face and it was as if he never stopped doing it. It was second nature, to touch her. Touching her was as easy as it was to breath.
“Football.” He said randomly, “we had football.” A lot of Sundays was spent watching football together or even going to a game. “I hadn’t expected it of you. For you to be so ‘spontaneously enthusiastic.’” He shook his head in wonder, and shoved his hand through his long locks.
“You didn’t know a thing about football. Didn’t even know what ‘go deep’ meant but not anymore. I think you know the game even better then I do….I found the book. Football for Dummies. One day I was cleaning out my closet”a rare event”and I found it.”
Tired of sitting, he got up walk around and he realized that Evangeline would never walk again. He would never get to see those mile long legs again. Sitting down on the little chair by her bedside, he once more picked up her limped hands. “You have to wake up.”
“I need you to wake up so you can call me out on all the stupid shit I do.” He sandwiched her hands between his, “I knew I would be doing something wrong when I knew you wouldn’t do it. You’re my moral compass,” his eyes shined with tears as he intake an unsteady breath.
He quickly wiped his eyes and kissed her both of her eyes. Looking at her seemingly sleeping face, “Let’s see, I wont be able to drink coffee or watch/play football without thinking of you….wine! Wine is on that list too. Especially red wine”
“We sure know how to enjoy our…’adult beverage.’” He blushed, remembering Mary Barn’s basement. “I don’t think I’ll ever remember that night without turning red.”
He rubbed her hand, her hand still warm. “We had some good times. Want to know what my favorite times with you were?” He let her hand go to caress her cheek, “When we would go see plays, operas, tennis, ballets, and all the other stuff you love. Yeah I hated it but I loved how happy they made you.”
“You couldn’t stop smiling and that would make me smile. Just knowing that you were happy made me happy and I would gladly endure countless more hours of it just to see one smile. One more smile.”
But she didn’t. She didn’t smile. She just laid there. Barely breathing on her own. He folded his hands and laid his head against his hand. “God…please. Please let her wake up. Not for me, I know I don’t deserve to ask you anything but for her Mom, sister…every body”
Feeling restless, he got up, stretching his legs. For the first time since entering the room, he realized all the flowers. There were tons of flowers, “people really love you. I should have brought a flower.” He hit the back of his head, “why didn’t I think of that?” Of bringing you flowers.”
“I will. Next time I come to visit.” John looked at the watch, “I better go…stayed longer then I thought I would.” He sat on her bed, and just watched her face. He gulped as the ball in his throat grew longer by the second.
“You know what cookie?” He said laughing and a tear escaping his eyelid. She hated that name. ‘I’m going to let you in on a little secret.” John leaned down close to her ear, his lips grazing the shell of her ear. “I love you but don’t tell any one…it might start uproar.”
~
I know this is pretty short...but there is only so much John could say..talking to himself.
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